Holy heavens. I am heavy hearted these past few weeks. Must be the toddler birthday party I didn't get to celebrate. A birthday cake never ordered. Birthday kisses never delivered....
Often my best way to break my funk is to simply spill my guts. So I've decided to simply list it all. All the crap that in missing out on that feels like the weight of the world on my shoulders.
I miss:
Thinking I knew what my future held for the next 18 years.
Sleep.
Having blind confidence in my body.
Being asked why I'm crying.
Exhaling.
Not knowing that an infant's casket resembles those white styrofoam coolers.
Thinking it would never happen to me.
Sleep.
Being confident that all was safe if you just make it to 26 weeks.
Not worrying about medication refills so that I can simply breathe every day.
A carefree look that I used to see in our daughters' eyes.
Being uncomfortable in a cemetery.
Anonymity in our church.
Sleep.
Simply answering the damn "how many kids to you have" question without stumbling.
Planning.
Loving my son in earthly form.
Being known for who I am, not what I lost.
Talking to extended family without the awkward avoidance in their eyes.
Baby shopping.
Sitting in his perfectly simply nursery.
Sleep.
Washing tiny onsies.
Sewing nursing pads, burp rags, and blankets until 3am.
Talking to my belly.
Allowing my husband to touch my belly.
Paying attention to signals like swollen ankles and treating my body with respect.
Feeling like I deserved respect.
Sleep.
Excitement.
People being happy for us.
Being happy for myself.
Guilt free chunks of time.
Daydreaming.
Praying with hope.
Sleep.
Sleep without screaming nightmares and phantom kicks.
Sleep that leaves you refreshed, comforted, and ready to function.
I really miss sleep.
