Acting like a grown up and other nonsense!

"I assumed you moved on"

This was the second line in an email from a distant friend today.   I guess my response to her initial email and mentioning CJ was unsettling for her. 

When my girls were little and over reacting I remember thinking to myself "grow up!  Geez, little drama queen!".  Now I find myself closing in on 42 and often in drama queen status.   Nothing is fair,  just,  understandable,  or even predictable.   Little stumbling blocks in everyday life feel like enormous brick walls at times.   Some days I pout to my friends that being an adult is sooooo unfair!  (Imagine this said through smeared mascara, a runny nose, and gross sniffles). 

Then days like today happen.  I woke up with CJ screaming in my heart.  But my household was silly and happy as kids left for school. Little ones played quietly and my husband let me disappear for a long, hot, shower.  I cried a bit in my safe place and wondered how can anyone ever expect me to get over. Then I dropped the shampoo and smacked my head on the glass door when I went to pick it up.   For a brief moment,  my day teetered between tears and laughter. I chose laughter!

Then the road blocks started popping up.  Seemingly large,  until I realized my arsenal I had to deal with them.  My village is fierce!   And by allowing them in to help when I need it also leaves the door open for me to be of service when they need it.

*I took a 3 day break here.  Some days words get stuck...*

So as I reread those words,  I am taken back by what a whiner I sound like!   Seriously!

Ever met someone so stuck in a horrible moment in their life that they cease to live?  Well, we have a miserable human being like that in our life.  She's single handedly destroyed the ties to an entire family.   Her life is full of proving she mourns the hardest,  her life is the biggest struggle,  and everyone around her is upsetting.  She's a bully.   Full of cruel words but hides when confronted... only to spread more crap behind your back.  It's hard to be sympathetic with her loss when her actions are so hurtful.   She has funneled her pain into a really miserable existence for most people around her.  My moments of self pity remind me how easy it would be to slip into a similar nasty bitch mode.

And this is why I share my tears.   Holding them back would cause them to bubble over.  It's ok to be sad at times that I miss my son.  But life is so full of incredible people whom I love deeply and life yet to be lived. 

So the unfair crap may still bring some self pity, but with Thanksgiving around the corner I'm going to switch perspectives.  I'm going to try to reflect on my blessing more and allow the tears when I need them.   With so much love surrounding me,  I will not allow myself to became that bitter woman. Instead I will continue to fill my home and my life with joy.  

In CJ's beautiful memory,  I will strive to be joyful this season.   I will #doitforcj.

Changing seasons.

An odd memory keeps lingering in my mind today.

It was 2 years ago.  The trees were changing as was I.  Shock had worn off,  everyone had gone back to living, and I was lost.   Sobbing, praying,  arguing with God filled my days.   I felt alone and forgotten by most of the people in my life. The period of shock was much easier than this next stage in my journey.

I became explosive in every way. Some friends slipped away simply being unable to deal with watching me slip into my own hell, while others proved to be my angels.  They loved me through the smeared mascara, uncontrollable crying,  and anger fits. 

One weekend afternoon the normalcy of our household felt overly synthetic.  My life 2 months after losing my son had turned into a charade.  It was all too much and I crumbled.  My husband calmly walked to the backyard,  set up a chair, poured me a hot cup of coffee, and gently walked me outside.  He put a blanket over my legs and kissed my forehead before leaving me alone.   The tears burned and my soul screamed as I cried.  When I calmed down, he joined me. There was no need for words as he was living the same hell, just under different rules.  A grieving dad's emotions aren't cared for by others as a mom's are. After time we chatted.  I don't remember our conversation, but I remember the feeling.  He was the only one in the entire world who knew how it felt to lose OUR son.

I've met many moms who have lost babies these past 2 years, and over heard more heartbreaking stories than I can count.  And in the end,  I realize I am so abundantly blessed.   Even in my moments of deepest despair, my husband was there with me.  We wiped tears, took turns breaking down,  and used our last bit of strength to be kind to each other.  The loss of a child has statistically devastating effects on a marriage, yet somehow we pulled together even closer. 

This time of year is a reminder of change.  A time in my life I will never be able to restore in many ways.  But this year I'm trying to focus on the love and support we all shared over CJ.  My little boy brought us together in ways I never knew possible.  Hopefully he's watching me now proud of his mommy.  Hopefully the seasons continue to bring comfort and memories of love.   That's a legacy I'm proud to build for CJ....

Love.

Love and blessing to you all.  Happy belated All Souls Day 2015.

#doitforcj