Well, hello! I received a message today asking me where the hell I've been. The answer is fairly simple.
We are in a blissfully selfish period of this crazy, never ending cycle of grief. After 2 years of crying, desperately fighting for change, and screaming our story to secure CJ's legacy, we have run out of steam. So we paused.
What came out of a few weeks of breathing was unexpected. As a family, we desperately needed time away from hospital drama, self centered individuals attempting to use our son's name for personal gain, and even complete stranger representing themselves as having an emotionally intimate relationship with our family. We walked away from the politics and red tape standing in the way of truly making a difference. January-February is OUR time to do whatever makes us happy.
So what have we done with this new found freedom? First i cut off my hair drastically. Making a big physical changed seemed to open me up for bigger things. I searched out an antique piano to adopt and talked my teens into helping me drag it home in the back of our conversion van. I hand painted arrows and covered my living room wall as inspiration to just keep moving forward. My family has followed my crazy path by stretching their wings into new ventures and bringing back old passions. My sweet husband has a new turn table at up on a newly created table in the basement for his racks of records. The kids are preparing for track season, applying to colleges, applying for job promotions... Sunday night dinner was spent at a local hibachi place and I'm learning to stress less over producing the perception of a perfect home.
So for now, my basement had the faint sound of bass and house music. My living room has become a place where kids laugh and hysterically poorly plunk out melodies on a 60 year old upright, there is laundry stacked in every room, and a never ending revolving group of friends coming and going.
Tears still sneak up on me often. I'm ok with that. CJ is worth every single one. And in the process we are reinventing our family dynamic. In a few weeks, with lent we will return to our projects and work to secure change and better education for the staff that works with bereaved families. In a few weeks. But for now, we are enjoying being a bit mess of a family! Just our way to #doitforcj!
