Christmas fail....

Steps to being a heartbroken mom of an angel on Christmas...

Wake up crying in a confused state.  Is it all a bad dream?   Please tell me this is just a bad dream.

Wash face.  Cold washcloth over the eyes and pray you can still fake it through the day.

Go through the motions of starting the day.   Cry in your coffee.  Cry in the shower. Cry in the closet. In between, reapply mascara and keep checking the swelling around you eyes.   Convince yourself you can still fake it through a family dinner.

**speedbump.  Hubby in a miserable mood and leaves for work.  Flying solo with the kids driving themselves to a family gathering**

Tell yourself one last cry and you're done.  Stop at the cemetery.  Cry until you can't catch your breath while standing alone in a cemetery on Christmas day.   Cry until you wish your breath would simply stop.  Feel your cheeks burn in the wind and your nose drip down your face despite the wad of crumpled tissues constantly wiping your face.  Scream at God internally to either calm the pain or just take you to your son already.

Reapply mascara to face your children.  Begin the process of realizing there is no way to hide the pain today.

Cry in the car.

Reapply mascara and fan eyes for the 40 min ride out to a family Christmas dinner while tears slip through every few moments.

One more mascara application.

Face your family.  See the look of sympathy in their eyes as they cautiously say hello. Feel almost relieved when an aunt comments you look tired.  You know she's just being kind.  Escape to bathroom when more tears break through.

Reapply mascara.

Nibble through dinner.  Down 2 glasses of chardonnay in the hopes of numbing the pain.  Realize today is a bust.  Quietly day goodbye to a select few and slip away to your car.

Burst into tears while fumbling with keys in a slight panic of being caught.   Drive home crying.  And more crying.   Your face burns worse than sunburn.  Your nose is now also miserably red.  

Make it home exhausted and look at yourself in the mirror. OMG.  Your image horrifies you.   How is that possible from simply crying???

This is what grief does to you.   This is the face of a mom who attempted to be brave.   Who attempted to pull it together a dozen times.  It isn't pretty, or sweet, or even gentle.   It's harsh,  exhausted, and honest.

Christmas is far from over for a grieving heart. Please reach out to the hurting souls in your life.   Love them through the ugly.   Maybe the next day will be a bit easier...