The sun is setting. Despite the clear blue sky, the chill in the air has me sitting in my car. In the cemetery.
I wanted to tell him I love him. That yesterday I risked opening up fresh wounds to share his story. I planned on singing him a lullaby and telling him sweet dreams. Instead I sobbed. I sobbed tears that have been kept hidden for a few weeks. Tears screaming to be released in acknowledgment of so much pain. Too much pain for anyone to survive, let alone smile after experiencing.
I don't understand this journey. I simply don't understand why I'm sitting in a cemetery alone as the sun goes down and the world keeps turning. Doesn't everyone know CJ DIED? His little body is buried a few yards away with the majority of who I used to be.
This is my reality. For everyone who thinks I'm so strong, you are wrong. I am broken in ways that you can't begin to understand. After this meltdown, I'll clean up the mascara smudges and drive thru for a diet coke fix and pick up a kid at church. Eventually I'll go home to do the normal things we all tackle- laundry, dishes, email... Tomorrow I'll get up and do it all over again. Maybe the day will be easier, but possibly not.
But for tonight, my tears hurt...
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