CJ Bear

We have a new resident in our home.   A very sweet gift named "CJ Bear".

Our little bear has been stuffed to weigh CJ's exact birth weight.   It was made for us by another mom who lost a baby.  Her ministry for healing are these sweet little bears, dressed in onsies and included with a letter explaining her story.

I've avoided this.   Just a few days into our journey,  this was suggested to me and I honestly thought the idea was crazy.  Why would I want to put myself through feeling what I'm missing?  Would I be able to put it down,  or would I become the crazy woman stroller walking a stuffed bear around the neighborhood? But with time (well over a year ) the opprotunity presented itself again and I bit.

Thinking it would be weeks,  I emailed his weight. To my astonishment,  I received an email back thatmy bear was being made just a few blocks from CJ's cemetery!  I agreed to pick it up a few days later.

What a sweet woman.  I pictured a perfectly staged home with a lady who had plenty of time on her hands to sew these bears.  What I met was a sweet woman with one baby in a highchair,  another trying desperately to get both of our attention to share a favorite toy, and dogs wrangled through a scratched basement door to protect me from the excited behavior.  Her home was very lived in and her hands are very full.  Yet there sat my bear. She handed him to me, and I instinctively held it to my chest.  The weight was surprisingly heavier than I imagined.  It was quite comforting.

When I shared the bear with my family,  my husband and 2 kids shared my surprise at how heavy it felt, while my oldest nuzzled it and with a smile said "yep, that about right".  I was very surprised to see each open to holding and immediately snuggling our new friend.

He found a home on my bed for now.  And he definitely found a new home in our hearts.  I will remember that sweet gal who made it every time I look at it.   Tonight I'm giving in and sneaking some snuggles.  I'm sure CJ is watching and knows he's not replaced.  I'm just a hurting mom simply trying to make it through the day and #doitforcj.