Dying from a broken heart?

Several months after losing our sweet boy, caring family members starting warning us that if we weren't careful we could actually die from a broken heart. At the time that didn't seem like such a horrible thing. but as the months half past and we've been able to heal, you begin to look at yourself from the outside and understand exactly what everyone's worried was and probably still is.

Let's face it, taking care of myself for the past almost 2 years has almost become non-existent. For a long time I considered getting up and getting dressed the biggest triumph of my day.  What the hell did the world want from me? Trendy hair and cute clothes? Who really gave a crap.

This past weekend we hosted a beautiful event for our two youngest daughters. it was time to celebrate quinceaneras,  sweet sixteens and too many things that have gone without a party recently. New dresses for me and my girls, a new suit for Dad, and tons of pictures with so many people that we love and cherish. I've spent the week sorting through hundreds of pictures and a few things have become blaringly obvious to me.

I've been dying of a broken heart.

So without getting into the specific details of my weight , my health   the stack of prescriptions by my bedside   or even my basic style I have been bitch slapped with reality. An enormous piece of me has been lost and tucked away, hidden really, as I've been learning that it's okay to live with a broken heart.

I'm feeling overwhelmed with the desire to live. Not just in a way that gets me from sunup to sundown, but in a way that allows me to feel and share more joy then I did before CJ came into our lives. What better legacy could I leave for my son?

So I am admitting so many people were right. You can die from a broken heart. I admit that much of me did. But maybe there is an even bigger part of me left to put out there in the world. maybe my story is just beginning. maybe.....

#doitforcj

Happy Easter!

CJ Bear

We have a new resident in our home.   A very sweet gift named "CJ Bear".

Our little bear has been stuffed to weigh CJ's exact birth weight.   It was made for us by another mom who lost a baby.  Her ministry for healing are these sweet little bears, dressed in onsies and included with a letter explaining her story.

I've avoided this.   Just a few days into our journey,  this was suggested to me and I honestly thought the idea was crazy.  Why would I want to put myself through feeling what I'm missing?  Would I be able to put it down,  or would I become the crazy woman stroller walking a stuffed bear around the neighborhood? But with time (well over a year ) the opprotunity presented itself again and I bit.

Thinking it would be weeks,  I emailed his weight. To my astonishment,  I received an email back thatmy bear was being made just a few blocks from CJ's cemetery!  I agreed to pick it up a few days later.

What a sweet woman.  I pictured a perfectly staged home with a lady who had plenty of time on her hands to sew these bears.  What I met was a sweet woman with one baby in a highchair,  another trying desperately to get both of our attention to share a favorite toy, and dogs wrangled through a scratched basement door to protect me from the excited behavior.  Her home was very lived in and her hands are very full.  Yet there sat my bear. She handed him to me, and I instinctively held it to my chest.  The weight was surprisingly heavier than I imagined.  It was quite comforting.

When I shared the bear with my family,  my husband and 2 kids shared my surprise at how heavy it felt, while my oldest nuzzled it and with a smile said "yep, that about right".  I was very surprised to see each open to holding and immediately snuggling our new friend.

He found a home on my bed for now.  And he definitely found a new home in our hearts.  I will remember that sweet gal who made it every time I look at it.   Tonight I'm giving in and sneaking some snuggles.  I'm sure CJ is watching and knows he's not replaced.  I'm just a hurting mom simply trying to make it through the day and #doitforcj.