Sitting in my car in a parking lot as hail pounded the roof was enough to push me over the edge today.
These moment come less frequently now. They start as a situation completely rational for some anxiety, and blossom into me in hysterics in what feels like a millisecond.
I was soaked and freezing from unloading my grocery cart. Soaked to the point of shivering and trying to focus through burning contacts. I thought I just needed to get home. But as soon as I pulled out the hail sounded like gunshots. I actually screamed as if someone had jumped out and scared me.
I found refuge parked against a large brick building to block the majority of the hail. Once the car was in park, I collapsed into sobs.
My sweet CJ.....
He was alone.
Was the ground flooding? Were the trees over him protecting him or falling on top of him? My thought got much darker. I'll spare myself the heartache of repeating them. And I cried with tears that felt like acid. (That new mascara will be tossed immediately! Ouch!!)
I eventually made it home and my sweet daughter came out with an umbrella to unload groceries. I laughed watching her juggle in the downpour. I laughed harder as I realized she stacked groceries safely under the covered porch, but blocking her own access to the door. Just moments after feeling pain no mother should ever feel, I was laughing.
Tomorrow I'll swing by the cemetery. Branches with probably need to be cleared and my horrific day terror thoughts will be put to rest seeing his ground intact. And somehow, I pray that will bring me some peace.
Sipping my coffee to warm up, watching our Blackhawks dominate Tampa, and praying for God's grace to help me keep on with the quest to #doitforcj.
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