set in stone...

Set in stone...

I have a completely different understanding of that phrase tonight.

So here is how this a very odd series of events played out this morning... Nate left to lok at some side work.  Completely annoyed that I really wanted some company with me while I ran a few errands, I went to the cemetery first thinking maybe his stone would be there and I could selfishly have a few moments to absorb the reality.  No stone, but a quick visit left me feeling alone and really wanting some time with my hubby.

So I called him..

And text him...

and got more and more annoyed that he was not responding.  I even began to stew a bit.  Then a text came across that got my attention- he was trying to call but my phone kept hanging up on him.  A few cryptic text msgs later and we managed to meet up in a parking lot. This has been an ongoing issue with my sometimes working phone, so we left his van parked and went over to TMobile.  An hour later, I had a new phone and we were off to finish my to-do list together.

Then a message popped up on my new phone from our girls that they were going to visit CJ.  So we headed that way thinking we could talk to them about grabbing a quick bite.  And of course, we missed them.  Typical to how our day had been playing out!  I decided to go say a quick hello again anyway.  Lingering a bit (not really sure why) I suggested we walk to the other side of the cemetery and visit a cousin's grave.  As we wandered over, a truck from a monument company pulled in.  From far away, I knew the second I saw the base of his stone on the truck with another monument what was unfolding.  I immediately started to cry as I walked to the truck.  In disbelief we saw the parts to his stone.  The kind man told us he had another to set up first, then would drive to the back to do CJ's.  I went back to the van to grab my new phone to call the girls.  20 min later we were all together sitting on a blanket under the trees and quietly watched as CJ's stone was assembled.  We thanked him and he kindly expressed his condolences.  When he drove off, we all just sat there quietly for a few moments.  It was as if the moment was too surreal to wrap our minds around what was in front of us.  It was my son's legacy set in stone. 

We couldn't have planned it better if we wanted to.  We were all together.  The unplanned nature didn't give anyone a chance to get too worked up.  The sun's position behind the black stone was making it near to impossible to get clear pictures with our cell phones. This was causing giggles and acrobatics while we tried every angle we could com up with.  And of course, the photographer of the family had a new phone that I didn't know how to use! 

I wondered how today would feel.  It was sad.  There were tears.  But there as also great peace is seeing that permanent monument.  My son existed on this earth.  His life was finally marked for all to see.  Not in the temporary (yet loving) way we have held vigil over for almost a year.  It was a moment of pure love having us all together. ALLLL of us.  And CJ had to be cracking up watching us decide which decorations to leave and his sisters taking selfies in his reflection.

I have spent so much time and energy on this moment.  It is almost stressful to wonder where to direct all of that energy tomorrow.  I pray it can be channeled into healing. Just a few more weeks until his 1 year angelersary.  1 year... that's is really hard to believe.

#doitforcj

when you let dad dress a kid on fieldtrip day...

I am going to admit to you right now I am cracking myself up just thinking about this.  Years ago, I was working nights so my darling husband was in charge of packing lunches and getting everyone off to school in the morning (a schedule I am happy to report he has kept up with  several years past my night shift days).  Then the ultimate embarrassment happen.  Well, for a mom this may be the one thing many of us have nightmares about.  He allowed our youngest daughter to dress herself on fieldtrip day.

So to give this child some credit for being an absolute rule follower, she was told by the teacher to dress up and wear comfortable walking shoes.  These instructions were taken very seriously by my 9 year old.  It was a beautiful spring day.  I remember sitting on the front steps with a cup of coffee waiting for the afternoon bus as I tried to wake up.  Then to my absolute horror, I spotted her.

brace yourselves...

My beautiful child came bouncing up the driveway wearing...

her black and metallic silver Christmas dress

baby blue soccer socks pulled to her knees

hot pink gym shoes

I almost fell over.  I didn't know if I should call my husband first or the teacher!  I gave her a big hug through my hysterical laughter, snapped a quick picture, and sent her to change while I made call #1.   Dad.  I simply asked him what he sent Skye to school wearing on this beautiful spring day.  He had absolutely no clue.  My giggles are now causing tears.

Call #2 was to her teacher who I had a really good relationship with.  I barely said hello through my giggles when she burst out laughing and asked if I had worked last night!  We then shared a hysterical laugh over the fact dad didn't even remember what the kid was wearing as she happily left that morning.  I felt mildly vindicated that she knew enough to assume I had worked the night before and dad must have been in charge.

I admit it.  When it comes to the girls, there are just things I am in charge of.  When they were tiny I used to hang their clothes as outfits.  To my absolute annoyance my husband would grab the pants off of one outfit and top off of another to creative some interesting looks.  I had guidelines for what to wear for church and family gathering and took pride in how well kept they always looked.  To this day, leggings are NOT pants and bra straps better not be showing. 

So how does this all tie in to my journey with CJ.  Well- I was thinking about how often I sometimes find myself at the cemetery.  What pushes me to go? At first my greif was so desperate that I'm surprised I didn't dig back into the earth for my baby.  I would sob to a point near fainting.  With a little time, tears still fall but my conversations with him have evolved to less begging for answers, and more aimed at letting him get to know what is in my heart.  To be honest, often it's the weather. The thought of a storm making a mess of his wreath or anything else we have out there drives me nuts.  I don't want my son's grave to look like the kid that nobody is taking care of.  Because he doesn't have his stone yet, it bothers me that everything out there is very temporary and can be blown away with one storm.  The only permanent memorial CJ has is created with the best of intentions, but the moment I stop showing up it could very easily disappear.

Interesting the parallels.  I may not be able to dress CJ in the stacks of adorable khakis and baseball hats waiting for him in his room, but I have control over the little bunnies and fake flowers we left out there for spring today.  And if  I return to find his space disheveled, I am back to that mom watching her happy child  bounding up the driveway oblivious that her very appearance is a reflection of a mom who adores her so desperately.  He is just another one of my kids being over-mommed in the wardrobe department!

Packing up for a roadtrip tonight.  My heart keeps drifting back to his spot.  Hoping the storm predicted next week doesn't destroy the pretty arrangements his sister and I left today.  Or at the least, that someone shares a smile with my little boy and straightens them up until his mommy is back.

rest in sweet peace CJ.  I know you are with us as we travel this week.  Keep us safe.  Teach us how to #doitforcj