11 years later...

Wow, it's been a crazy ride!  This year feels like a really good time to share this crazy journey. 

Last month it's been 11 years.   How is that possible?  11 years living with/without our son. It's still such a crazy juggling act. I have so much i want to share about the journey.  How we ended up in Florida and the life we've recreated.  

But tonight I'll just tell you it's possible! Even when things seem like such a shit show, tackling it together can leave you in stitches.  

I'll explain the picture of tonight's shit show soon.  I hope I still have a few people that want to come along for the ride. I hope I can share a bit of hope. But here we go again,  while I try to #doitforcj.

Love,  jen

Selfish times....

Well,  hello!   I received a message today asking me where the hell I've been.   The answer is fairly simple.

We are in a blissfully selfish period of this crazy, never ending cycle of grief.   After 2 years of crying,  desperately fighting for change, and screaming our story to secure CJ's legacy, we have run out of steam.  So we paused.

What came out of a few weeks of breathing was unexpected.   As a family, we desperately needed time away from hospital drama,  self centered individuals attempting to use our son's name for personal gain, and even complete stranger representing themselves as having an emotionally intimate relationship with our family.  We walked away from the politics and red tape standing in the way of truly making a difference.  January-February is OUR time to do whatever makes us happy.

So what have we done with this new found freedom?  First i cut off my hair drastically.   Making a big physical changed seemed to open me up for bigger things.  I searched out an antique piano to adopt and talked my teens into helping me drag it home in the back of our conversion van.  I hand painted arrows and covered my living room wall as inspiration to just keep moving forward.  My family has followed my crazy path by stretching their wings into new ventures and bringing back old passions.   My sweet husband has a new turn table at up on a newly created table in the basement for his racks of records. The kids are preparing for track season,  applying to colleges,  applying for job promotions... Sunday night dinner was spent at a local hibachi place and I'm learning to stress less over producing the perception of a perfect home.

So for now,  my basement had the faint sound of bass and house music.  My living room has become a place where kids laugh and hysterically poorly plunk out melodies on a 60 year old upright,  there is laundry stacked in every room,  and a never ending revolving group of friends coming and going.

Tears still sneak up on me often.   I'm ok with that.  CJ is worth every single one.   And in the process we are reinventing our family dynamic.   In a few weeks,  with lent we will return to our projects and work to secure change and better education for the staff that works with bereaved families.  In a few weeks.   But for now,  we are enjoying being a bit mess of a family!   Just our way to #doitforcj!

set in stone...

Set in stone...

I have a completely different understanding of that phrase tonight.

So here is how this a very odd series of events played out this morning... Nate left to lok at some side work.  Completely annoyed that I really wanted some company with me while I ran a few errands, I went to the cemetery first thinking maybe his stone would be there and I could selfishly have a few moments to absorb the reality.  No stone, but a quick visit left me feeling alone and really wanting some time with my hubby.

So I called him..

And text him...

and got more and more annoyed that he was not responding.  I even began to stew a bit.  Then a text came across that got my attention- he was trying to call but my phone kept hanging up on him.  A few cryptic text msgs later and we managed to meet up in a parking lot. This has been an ongoing issue with my sometimes working phone, so we left his van parked and went over to TMobile.  An hour later, I had a new phone and we were off to finish my to-do list together.

Then a message popped up on my new phone from our girls that they were going to visit CJ.  So we headed that way thinking we could talk to them about grabbing a quick bite.  And of course, we missed them.  Typical to how our day had been playing out!  I decided to go say a quick hello again anyway.  Lingering a bit (not really sure why) I suggested we walk to the other side of the cemetery and visit a cousin's grave.  As we wandered over, a truck from a monument company pulled in.  From far away, I knew the second I saw the base of his stone on the truck with another monument what was unfolding.  I immediately started to cry as I walked to the truck.  In disbelief we saw the parts to his stone.  The kind man told us he had another to set up first, then would drive to the back to do CJ's.  I went back to the van to grab my new phone to call the girls.  20 min later we were all together sitting on a blanket under the trees and quietly watched as CJ's stone was assembled.  We thanked him and he kindly expressed his condolences.  When he drove off, we all just sat there quietly for a few moments.  It was as if the moment was too surreal to wrap our minds around what was in front of us.  It was my son's legacy set in stone. 

We couldn't have planned it better if we wanted to.  We were all together.  The unplanned nature didn't give anyone a chance to get too worked up.  The sun's position behind the black stone was making it near to impossible to get clear pictures with our cell phones. This was causing giggles and acrobatics while we tried every angle we could com up with.  And of course, the photographer of the family had a new phone that I didn't know how to use! 

I wondered how today would feel.  It was sad.  There were tears.  But there as also great peace is seeing that permanent monument.  My son existed on this earth.  His life was finally marked for all to see.  Not in the temporary (yet loving) way we have held vigil over for almost a year.  It was a moment of pure love having us all together. ALLLL of us.  And CJ had to be cracking up watching us decide which decorations to leave and his sisters taking selfies in his reflection.

I have spent so much time and energy on this moment.  It is almost stressful to wonder where to direct all of that energy tomorrow.  I pray it can be channeled into healing. Just a few more weeks until his 1 year angelersary.  1 year... that's is really hard to believe.

#doitforcj

waterproof mascara

Once upon a time, I had a life.  lol  Let's face it... I'm a 40 year old woman who is an  unemployed, scatterbrained,  stay at home mom (with no kids at home!).   Talk about all the making for a mid life crisis!  The comical part is I don't have enough time.  For anything.  Yes, I have heard the long explanation of how the chemical imbalance of depression blah blah blah....

But here's the deal- I am so sick of the bereaved mom stereotype.  Yes, I am grieving CJ every second of every day.  He is the first thing I think of one when I wake up, and thoughts of him keep me awake long into the night.  Some days I am up and out of the house in the world.  Others the thought of even answering my phone is too much to deal with.

But today I am having a lighter day.  I figured out accidently how to take a picture of  myself from my laptop.  Today I'm hiding being glasses as I sew my way through a few projects that have deadlines looming.  So here is my mind blowing
thought for the day...

Waterproof mascara. HAHAHAHAHAHA!!! 

I rotate between 3 phases. 

1. Day when my cheeks are burned from tears.  Yes, burned raw.  These days most of my decent eyelashes usually fall out.  These days I'm usually too raw and bright red to even attempt makeup.  If I have to leave the house, expect me to walk into anywhere I need to be wearing sunglasses, and they stay right there on my face.  I have learned not to give a crap what people think.  If that makes me more comfortable, the world can wonder... 

2.  OK days when I attempt to get dressed and put on makeup.  Eventually tears sneak up on me if I'm caught off guard, that waterproof crap end up on my shirt sleeve of back of my hand and I quickly try to clean myself up in public.

3.  The rare day when I think I'm leaving the house looking decent and in a pretty light mood until I catch my reflection in a mirror.  Those harder days have left their mark.  Dark and puffy eye circles and blotchy skin are my badge of honor for crying myself to a point of dehydration and exhaustion. There is no hiding the emotional scars the past 7 months have left on my face. I avoid having my picture taken to the extent that I'm beginning to realize I will be nonexistent in photo albums for several big moments on our kid's lives. 

So I guess I will continue to keep dropping money on waterproof mascara and reapplying several times a day.  For a brief moment, when I'm leaning in toward the mirror and only concentrating my eye, I see myself as I used to be.  Anyone who knows me knows as long as I have on black mascara, I can leave the house.   Add a dark pair of sunglasses, and life goes on!


love you, CJ!!  Mommy will keep trying for those better days. But when I trip, know that eventually my face will get washed, a new coat applied, and I'll try again.  I WILL #doitforcj

 

 

dance my little angel...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YNoLJy68ZcE