But here's the deal- I am so sick of the bereaved mom stereotype. Yes, I am grieving CJ every second of every day. He is the first thing I think of one when I wake up, and thoughts of him keep me awake long into the night. Some days I am up and out of the house in the world. Others the thought of even answering my phone is too much to deal with.
But today I am having a lighter day. I figured out accidently how to take a picture of myself from my laptop. Today I'm hiding being glasses as I sew my way through a few projects that have deadlines looming. So here is my mind blowing
thought for the day...
Waterproof mascara. HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
I rotate between 3 phases.
1. Day when my cheeks are burned from tears. Yes, burned raw. These days most of my decent eyelashes usually fall out. These days I'm usually too raw and bright red to even attempt makeup. If I have to leave the house, expect me to walk into anywhere I need to be wearing sunglasses, and they stay right there on my face. I have learned not to give a crap what people think. If that makes me more comfortable, the world can wonder...
2. OK days when I attempt to get dressed and put on makeup. Eventually tears sneak up on me if I'm caught off guard, that waterproof crap end up on my shirt sleeve of back of my hand and I quickly try to clean myself up in public.
3. The rare day when I think I'm leaving the house looking decent and in a pretty light mood until I catch my reflection in a mirror. Those harder days have left their mark. Dark and puffy eye circles and blotchy skin are my badge of honor for crying myself to a point of dehydration and exhaustion. There is no hiding the emotional scars the past 7 months have left on my face. I avoid having my picture taken to the extent that I'm beginning to realize I will be nonexistent in photo albums for several big moments on our kid's lives.
So I guess I will continue to keep dropping money on waterproof mascara and reapplying several times a day. For a brief moment, when I'm leaning in toward the mirror and only concentrating my eye, I see myself as I used to be. Anyone who knows me knows as long as I have on black mascara, I can leave the house. Add a dark pair of sunglasses, and life goes on!
love you, CJ!! Mommy will keep trying for those better days. But when I trip, know that eventually my face will get washed, a new coat applied, and I'll try again. I WILL #doitforcj
dance my little angel...
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