Standing in line at Target today, 2 young 20 somethings in front of me were chatting about the one's barely noticeable baby bump. Then my heart stopped when this new mommy said:
" I'm in the safe zone now that I'm past 20 weeks"
My heart dropped. My eyes filled with tears and every inch of me wanted to escape. Somehow I managed to check out and get to my car before collapsing into heart wrenching sobs.
Is that how we view pregnancy? And if so, what am I? Someone who couldn't manage to carry my son for just TWO more weeks?
I have to admit while I have had my own experience with miscarriages personally as well as too many women I care for. I have heard women cry in emotional pain EMBARRASSED that they had announced their pregnancy. Waiting until it's "safe" to announce... My views and on this have completely changed.
Why do we as women think it is an embarrassment when we loose a child? Why do we wait to share the news? Newsflash- the "safe zone" is complete bullshit. Suffering alone with the loss of a pregnancy is hell. Wearing the badge of a mom who carried a baby to a viable stage and experience loss is torture. We need to embrace each other through these experiences and bring awareness to an issue that too many women suffer alone.
For that young mom in Target today, I pray with all of my heart that she is right, That she has miraculously fallen into some mythical safe zone. But even more, I hope someone that loves her gently reminds her that pregnancy is not over until you hold that baby. A baby who may be wisked away for health problems, may look unique from a deformity, or even lifeless. That the time she has now with every little kick is the most precious time and a gift.
So speaking of the gift of time, we are taking some time as a family to recharge next week. We are in desperate need to hug our oldest, and because of the love and generosity of others it's about to happen! Gas cards, discounted lodging, and free park passes... even a gift card for groceries! So I spent the evening precooking several meals and worrying about silly things. This trip is also turning into an opportunity for us to consider a job transfer. Which would mean for some time being separated from CJ's grave. A flood of emotions and questions are boggled up in my mind. But one thing is for sure- I'm stepping out of MY self perceived safe zone. I know my baby boy is with me no matter where I am. I have never lived outside of Illinois state lines, but maybe this is his way of nudging us back into life. Into looking forward to adventures again.
So keep us in prayer for a safe travels this weekend. I am hoping to have a few quick, silly, happy, possibly tipsy posts from Epcot as we enjoy the warmer weather so keep your eyes peeled
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