Shhhhhhh! Even the dogs are sleeping. I'm learning to hate the silence a bit less during these late nights. It gives me a chance to put the world on hold and collect my thoughts.
These past few days I have stumbled through life in new glasses. A recent yearly eye exam revealed a pretty dramatic change in prescription in both eyes. Unfortunately this left me waiting for new contacts on order, but with new glasses.
Day 1 I came home and performed a now infamous wipe out landing square on my kneecap before being on my face on the floor. Tears and laughter ensued. A bag of ice on my knee and wine followed.
Day 2 I fell out of the conversion van. This flop luckily happened in our garage and not in front of the neighborhood! I swear the ground move when I went to step out...
Strike 3- the dryer. I went to move a soggy load into the dryer and literally threw it 3 feet too high. Standing directly in front of a major appliance, I couldn't aim at the door.
My perception is off. Really off. How often have I thought I knew what that means? How often was I wrong? Really really wrong.
A weekend of hearing updates on other people's lives leave me heart broken. While my perception is that my life is living hell right now, the reality is my life is very blessed. I share every day with a home full of people I not only love, but admire, enjoy, and with all my heart LIKE. Our drama is minimal. Kind words, laughter, and respect fill the air. Our children are thriving even while missing CJ to our core. Violence and fear are nonexistent behind our walls. We are far from perfect, but I'm pretty proud of the life we have built together. Together as in all of us. Not only do we as parents have a leadership role, but so do our children. All FOUR of them guide us every day to want more for all of us.
While I'm sure we are perceived as a family in utter turmoil, our reality is much different. Our feet aren't always squarely on the ground. Often one of us misjudges the next step and needs to be picked up. Or we overcompensate and end up having to start over. But we keep going. I can hear CJ giggling those perfect baby chuckles as I wipe my tears and pick myself up over and over again.
I'm adjusting to my new glasses just as i'm adjusting to our new life. I'm learning not to soley rely on what I perceive to be our reality, and cautiously test each new obstacle before falling face first again. Don't get me wrong- I will fall. It will hurt like hell and tears will follow. But slowly I am falling less, finding the ground beneath my feet a bit more stable, and feeling and angel on my shoulder guiding me.
Guess what, CJ? Mommy survived another day. My knees are scrapped and mystery bruises cover my body, but they are healing. Thank you for guiding me through the unsteady times. Hopefully soon I will doze off to dream of you in heaven. That is one perception that is truly reality!!
#doitforcj
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