Yesterday while running errands I ran into another parent who's name slipped my mind. I smiled and asked " Rachel's mom, right? I'm Skye's mom". She looked up and returned the smile as we made quick small talk about how we liked our new house, the girls keeping in contact via technology, etc. Last I saw her I was happily pregnant. The girls are close friends so I know she had heard our story. The chatter was quick and cheerful. I started to walk away while saying goodbyes (a trick I've learned to keep a distance and not give people a chance to lean in for the condolences/hugs that still hurt so badly).
While driving, I laughed when her name finally came to me. How many times had we shared carpool duties, feed eachother's kids, and kept a watchful eye on them? We were never close, but definitely friendly. Our morals/values/faith were in alignment making it easy to rely on eachother when it came to the girls in those middle school years.
Soon after we lost CJ, I was stopped by an elderly while shopping who kindly approached me and asked "are you CJ's mom?". She had recognized me from church. Being too fresh in grief, her words shattered me that day.
Over the past 21 years my identity had often been labeled as Kate/Tori/Skye's mom. It was an easy role to fall into that I adore. Of course when the girls were in those early attention demanding phases, I would feel overwhelmed and a loss of myself. I wanted to scream "I have a name! And it IS NOT Mom!!!"
Recently on a long weekend with my dh working, I had enough. "mom" seemed to be every other word coming out of the girls' mouths. Their teenage whining, complaining, snitching, and arguing had pushed me to my breaking point. I made a decision. I was no longer mom. I was Juanita!
Juanita took over because mom had hit her breaking point. I stopped answering to mom, and told them mom was gone. Juanita was in charge. Juanita was fun loving, didn't give a crap about chores, said yes to whatever they wanted without having to deal with the aftermath. She refused to referee, listen to gripes, or yell. She doesn't cook, clean, help with homework, or do laundry. She simply acted like a guest on the couch laughing at their antics and reminding them mom would be back and SHE would kick their ass... Not Juanita- she just didn't care!
So at first they thought I had finally lost my mind. But very quickly they figured out a lack of mothering sucked. This went on for several hours. They kept asking when mom was coming back, and I happily ignored them and enjoyed my alter ego.
Don't we all need that break occasionally? From our perceived identity and our reality?
I realize as time goes by, less and less will I be recognized as "CJ's mom". Parenting an angel is a tremendous task. The hardest part for me is the anonymity. Probably the only time someone will ever ask me "are you CJ's mom?" was that sweet lady I crumbled in front of in the middle of Walmart.
As I tackle all of these identities, the one missing will always hurt the most.
I AM Katie/Tori/Skye's mom
AND
I AM CJ's Mom.
And by the way, my name is Jen.
#doitforcj
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