Sitting in CJ's room in a puddle of tears is nothing new. Today I added a big overstuffed chair from downstairs. I just needed a comfy place to come in here and snuggle and even cry.
His clothes are all perfectly folded into boxes and stacked into the closet. I moved the empty dresser out to make room for the chair. His crib still stands under the string art we did for him on the wall. Stuffed teddy bears line the shelves- most gifts from DH in our early years.
Out the window I can see the home of a sweet friend. Her baby born 2 weeks before CJ is in her arms tonight. It doesn't feel fair at all. CJ was prayed for.... So many years of prayer. He was conceived out of so much love and prepared for joyously with all of our hearts. So many things feel so unfair. I sit here reminded how loved he will always be.
I know some family would prefer me to take down the crib, pack up the room and pretend this chapter is over while I "move on". Some closest to me have stopped mentioning him and their discomfort when I do is palpable. Many have cut all contact with us. How can I possibly forget my son? Why would I want to? Why would anyone?
So many things I just don't understand. Maybe I never will.
Tonight i'm going to spike my next drink and dive into sewing some new pillows for the nursery. I think owls would be perfect! And if you wonder why our nursery is still set up, it's because I have a son named CJ. And I love to spend time with my sweetpea in his room where we listen to music, read, or even share our love with all of you. As long as this room brings comfort, it will stay.
So don't even suggest it. CJ is in our lives forever :)
#doitforcj
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