daydreams

"Allow yourself to daydream".  This was the advice I got from a fellow baby loss mommy tonight. 

(She is probably reading along right now, so hello my sweet new friend!)

I am relearning and finally living a life lesson I have struggled with.  I was brought up to be very concerned of what others think.  My parents are wonderful, faithful people.  Conservative and cradle Catholics.  Needless to say we have not always seen eye to eye.  But amazingly when I began to let go of worrying about it and voicing my own beliefs, tensions were lessened.  They may not always agree with me, but there is mutual respect instead of the teenage disdain I dragged them through.

So here is my biggest daydream.  Nothing would fill my heart like adding to our family. (breathe, everyone! It's going to be ok!)

I am constantly asked if CJ was an "accident".  Why is that an appropriate question to ask a mother?  To me it's obscene.  Our child was a gift from God that was sent to us after many years of disappointments.  Does that answer that question already??

With all of that being said, I'm going to allow myself to daydream.  Physically pregnancy is very hard on me.  Blood pressure and heart issues had me in weekly appointments/biweekly scans.  I was placed on disability from a very stressful job.  But that doesn't mean I didn't enjoy my time with CJ.  He was probably the only pregnancy I truly enjoyed.  He was such a miracle and every day I felt blessed.

So I'll daydream about precious little kicks. Of feeling my husband's hand on my belly at night as we giggle at the acrobatics.  And of our girls getting to hold their sibling with smiles on their faces as they experience the sighs and sounds of a sweet newborn.

Gasping that I'm 40?  Or that my kids are almost grown?  Well, I'm letting go of caring and allowing myself to daydream.  Daydreams are the hopes of our heart.  How can I possibly push aside hope?

#doitforcj