Home

It will never be quite the same.  Every emotion imaginable has been shared within these walls.

Home.

I am coming to the realization that "home" is not something you can run away from.  The memories and feeling that fill you when you walk in through the front door fill you back up when you leave.  I tried to escape today.  After a long day of going through CJ's things yesterday, I needed to give my heart a break.

I ran myself into the ground driving many miles and making too many stops. My feet hurt, our home is disheveled, and I almost dread being here tomorrow even more.  The girls will go to school, dh to work, and I will be here to deal with the quiet.  Again.

CJ is with me every second.  I talk to him with my heart all day long.  A change of scenery doesn't weaken that.  It actually strengthens it.  With every step my conversations with him keep me moving forward.  He is acquiring nicknames just like our girls did.  It feels natural for our relationship to follow so effortlessly.

Yesterday was hard.  Folding stacks of onsies and footie pjs that were never worn seemed very cruel.  Boxing up cases of diapers, toys, and baby basics that were never used.  Nobody should ever have to tackle such a painful project.  I received so many sweet notes and comments of encouragement that helped keep me going.

So tonight we set up a bed for the college kid in Florida this semester.  Why the rush?  Basically it felt as if all of our children need to have a physical place of rest in our home. Our 2 highschoolers have typically chaotic teenage girl rooms. CJ's room is finally a place for all of us, which left the guest/craft/storage/college kid room. You may have followed this week as I tackled the clutter.  When it was done, it was bothering me that she didn't have a bed.  Ikea for a cheapo futon solved that problem!  And my heart is smiling.

I look forward to the summer when our oldest will be home.  To have all of these beds empty as we snuggle up on the couch under blankets for our infamous movie nights. 

Because you see, this is still home.  And I will fight to make sure every kid feels it in her heart.  I want to fill up their souls with so much laughter and love that it lasts when we are separated. It should feel sacred, safe, comforting, and familiar. 

So the next time I'm overwhelmed, chances are I'll escape for several hours of driving/shopping.  But I'll always return to be filled back up.  My sweet boy will nudge me back when I've run far enough.  And tomorrow when the anxiety of being here alone begins to set in,  I'll try remember how I am absolutely not alone.  I'm embraced by the love of the people who make these walls a home.

#doitforcj