Sweet baby boy...

Sweet baby boy
My heart's pure desire
How your short time here
Has set me on fire

I burn with emotions
That I can't understand
My life is on hold
Since I touched your sweet hand

Walk with me, sweet boy
And guide me to see
What on this earth
I was really meant to be

Yesterday, today, and always
My heart will miss a beat
For life on earth without you
Will never be complete...

waterproof mascara

Once upon a time, I had a life.  lol  Let's face it... I'm a 40 year old woman who is an  unemployed, scatterbrained,  stay at home mom (with no kids at home!).   Talk about all the making for a mid life crisis!  The comical part is I don't have enough time.  For anything.  Yes, I have heard the long explanation of how the chemical imbalance of depression blah blah blah....

But here's the deal- I am so sick of the bereaved mom stereotype.  Yes, I am grieving CJ every second of every day.  He is the first thing I think of one when I wake up, and thoughts of him keep me awake long into the night.  Some days I am up and out of the house in the world.  Others the thought of even answering my phone is too much to deal with.

But today I am having a lighter day.  I figured out accidently how to take a picture of  myself from my laptop.  Today I'm hiding being glasses as I sew my way through a few projects that have deadlines looming.  So here is my mind blowing
thought for the day...

Waterproof mascara. HAHAHAHAHAHA!!! 

I rotate between 3 phases. 

1. Day when my cheeks are burned from tears.  Yes, burned raw.  These days most of my decent eyelashes usually fall out.  These days I'm usually too raw and bright red to even attempt makeup.  If I have to leave the house, expect me to walk into anywhere I need to be wearing sunglasses, and they stay right there on my face.  I have learned not to give a crap what people think.  If that makes me more comfortable, the world can wonder... 

2.  OK days when I attempt to get dressed and put on makeup.  Eventually tears sneak up on me if I'm caught off guard, that waterproof crap end up on my shirt sleeve of back of my hand and I quickly try to clean myself up in public.

3.  The rare day when I think I'm leaving the house looking decent and in a pretty light mood until I catch my reflection in a mirror.  Those harder days have left their mark.  Dark and puffy eye circles and blotchy skin are my badge of honor for crying myself to a point of dehydration and exhaustion. There is no hiding the emotional scars the past 7 months have left on my face. I avoid having my picture taken to the extent that I'm beginning to realize I will be nonexistent in photo albums for several big moments on our kid's lives. 

So I guess I will continue to keep dropping money on waterproof mascara and reapplying several times a day.  For a brief moment, when I'm leaning in toward the mirror and only concentrating my eye, I see myself as I used to be.  Anyone who knows me knows as long as I have on black mascara, I can leave the house.   Add a dark pair of sunglasses, and life goes on!


love you, CJ!!  Mommy will keep trying for those better days. But when I trip, know that eventually my face will get washed, a new coat applied, and I'll try again.  I WILL #doitforcj

 

 

dance my little angel...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YNoLJy68ZcE

 

"let's win this for Mother Russia!"

The last 2 days I have struggled. A combination of cabin fever and the reality of ordering CJ's headstone have taken a toll.

Last night the girls and I made a big treat of bacon cheeses fries for dinner and snuggled up in the family room to watch the opening ceremonies to the Olympics.  This pretty much turned into us critiquing each county's outfits.

We were all tired. It had been a long week and that night alone we didn't get home until almost 8 from a basketball game.  Just when they were starting to doze in front of the tv, our 14 year old puts her fists in the air and yells in her best thick Russian accent "we will win this for Mother Russia!".

Insane giggling followed.  Tension release for all of our heavy hearts and minds. 

That's how life is for us now. We push through to the point of exhaustion. It's like getting through what used to be a typically busy day, but now you do it wearing cement weights around your ankles that nobody acknowledges. They rub your skin in raw and are visible to the world, but nobody comments.  They look past you when making idle chit chat and never mention it.  Then eventually one of us can't take the painful silence anymore and losses it for just long enough to make us all realize the joy in life.  Only those living with the same burden can understand the effort it takes to allow joy in while being so weighted down.

JOY.  yes, joy.  It's still there, hiding but waiting for those brief moments of silliness.  They surface more some days than others. 

So try to not look so confused when you see us in hysterical giggles over something ridiculous. Yes, we are in pain.  A huge part of our life right now is surviving.  We miss CJ in everything we do. At games, I picture him with me in his car seat. Walking through the parking lot,  I thought about the balancing act of not slipping on the ice while holding him. Home in front of the Olympics, he should have been snuggled in our arms. The busier I am, the more I feel his absence.

A bit off topic here, but at yesterday's game the opposing team gave out thier "Best Fan"award at half time.  A teenage boy with Downs was honored. The team took a group picture with him after high 5s and hugs all around.  The weight I carry doubled as I watched.

Today we have a team lunch, dance lessons, and typical Saturday errands.  I have my weights on.  If you bump in to me, please don't hesitate to let me rest and laugh for a moment or two!

here we go, CJ.  Another day without you. I will get through because I promise to #doitforcj .