I am going to admit to you right now I am cracking myself up just thinking about this. Years ago, I was working nights so my darling husband was in charge of packing lunches and getting everyone off to school in the morning (a schedule I am happy to report he has kept up with several years past my night shift days). Then the ultimate embarrassment happen. Well, for a mom this may be the one thing many of us have nightmares about. He allowed our youngest daughter to dress herself on fieldtrip day.
So to give this child some credit for being an absolute rule follower, she was told by the teacher to dress up and wear comfortable walking shoes. These instructions were taken very seriously by my 9 year old. It was a beautiful spring day. I remember sitting on the front steps with a cup of coffee waiting for the afternoon bus as I tried to wake up. Then to my absolute horror, I spotted her.
brace yourselves...
My beautiful child came bouncing up the driveway wearing...
her black and metallic silver Christmas dress
baby blue soccer socks pulled to her knees
hot pink gym shoes
I almost fell over. I didn't know if I should call my husband first or the teacher! I gave her a big hug through my hysterical laughter, snapped a quick picture, and sent her to change while I made call #1. Dad. I simply asked him what he sent Skye to school wearing on this beautiful spring day. He had absolutely no clue. My giggles are now causing tears.
Call #2 was to her teacher who I had a really good relationship with. I barely said hello through my giggles when she burst out laughing and asked if I had worked last night! We then shared a hysterical laugh over the fact dad didn't even remember what the kid was wearing as she happily left that morning. I felt mildly vindicated that she knew enough to assume I had worked the night before and dad must have been in charge.
I admit it. When it comes to the girls, there are just things I am in charge of. When they were tiny I used to hang their clothes as outfits. To my absolute annoyance my husband would grab the pants off of one outfit and top off of another to creative some interesting looks. I had guidelines for what to wear for church and family gathering and took pride in how well kept they always looked. To this day, leggings are NOT pants and bra straps better not be showing.
So how does this all tie in to my journey with CJ. Well- I was thinking about how often I sometimes find myself at the cemetery. What pushes me to go? At first my greif was so desperate that I'm surprised I didn't dig back into the earth for my baby. I would sob to a point near fainting. With a little time, tears still fall but my conversations with him have evolved to less begging for answers, and more aimed at letting him get to know what is in my heart. To be honest, often it's the weather. The thought of a storm making a mess of his wreath or anything else we have out there drives me nuts. I don't want my son's grave to look like the kid that nobody is taking care of. Because he doesn't have his stone yet, it bothers me that everything out there is very temporary and can be blown away with one storm. The only permanent memorial CJ has is created with the best of intentions, but the moment I stop showing up it could very easily disappear.
Interesting the parallels. I may not be able to dress CJ in the stacks of adorable khakis and baseball hats waiting for him in his room, but I have control over the little bunnies and fake flowers we left out there for spring today. And if I return to find his space disheveled, I am back to that mom watching her happy child bounding up the driveway oblivious that her very appearance is a reflection of a mom who adores her so desperately. He is just another one of my kids being over-mommed in the wardrobe department!
Packing up for a roadtrip tonight. My heart keeps drifting back to his spot. Hoping the storm predicted next week doesn't destroy the pretty arrangements his sister and I left today. Or at the least, that someone shares a smile with my little boy and straightens them up until his mommy is back.
rest in sweet peace CJ. I know you are with us as we travel this week. Keep us safe. Teach us how to #doitforcj
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