Surviving holidays...

I made it. Another holiday where my sweet boy should be physically with us.

Short and sweet... It hurts.  Hurts to the point of dissolving into painful sobs in my husband's arms as soon as we were home and the kids went to bed. 

But one moment was so incredibly special to me.  My family wasn't saying CJ's name.  It was beginning to really hurt until a simple comment helped me realize we were ALL missing him.  The exact comment doesn't matter, but how it made me feel changed me perception. I was able to understand this house full of people was missing CJ and protecting me.  I felt admired for my honesty and strength, validated in my pain, and truly loved.

But once home, his absence was simply vicious on my heart.  I broke down.  And after leaving a nice tear puddle on my sweet man's shirt, a nice dose of Xanax and my PJs was all I wanted.  Calm is simply washing over me.  Almost a fog.  Tonight I'm thankful for the help catching my breath.  I've learned there is no badge of honor rewarded for not excepting the help when I need it. I really don't give a crap about the sigma of pharmaceutical help.

Soon Nate will join me in bed.  As usual, his arms will become my refuge. He's hurting too.  I feel it in his hugs and see it in his eyes.  We miss our son.

Sweet dreams to all of you.  I hope today was filled with family and love. For those feeling sad or alone, I understand.  It's OK.  I promise to always listen if you need an ear.  I promise because I have a son I'm missing with a broken heart.  #doitforcj

Thanksgiving

I'm another year older.  41 as of yesterday, and so far I think I'm a pretty kick ass 41!!

I'm in bed next to the same man I have been head over heels in love with for eighteen years. He still holds my hand while we are out shopping, opens doors for me, carries anything heavy without a grumble, never hesitates to steal a kiss, and can make me laugh through my tears.

Our daughters have grown into beautiful, headstrong, opinionated, hysterically sarcastic, intelligent, ambitious and loving human beings.  They value family and understand the pecking order in life. Family first. Period. They have faced the nightmare of losing their brother together.  They have shown me how to love CJ openly and without boundaries

. Yet their individuality shines through all of those  beautiful, dark eyes.

Our circle of friends has evolved and continues to.  We have learned who will really be there for you through the shit, and who just wants a cheap kitchen remodel out of your husband.  We had to face quiet weekends alone while the evolution happened, but with time the calendar started to fill up again. Including my sweet little buddy that file my days with chaos and laughter.

Last year I stumbled through a day about giving thanks. Ouch.  My wounded heart was furious still with God.  This year we have taken some big strides to repair that mess.   And I am so truly thankful for all of my blessings. 

Happy Thanksgiving to everyone!!  Wishing us all a day of peaceful moments and happiness.  Drop the drama, put on your holiday finest, and go be with your families.  I'll be mixing pitchers of cranberry sangria and soaking in some time with my parents who are coming in from out of state.  I'm letting go of a lot of clutter in my heart for the day.  A sweet little boy will help me #doitforcj...

(Thank you for all of the birthday well wishes!!!  I tried to reply to every one, but if I missed you, thank you!!! I spent the day with a house full of kids skipping school and Colton amusing us all with his antics)

Thank God for nosebleeds?

Thank God for nosebleeds!!

OK, that may be a bit of a stretch.  My husband has been logging a ridiculous amount of overtime.  While the extra money is needed, the toll on the family has been palpable. We work hard to stay in touch but inevitably he misses out on the every day drama that occurs with so much female energy under one roof.

I have been fighting my own health issues and am simply still exhausted.  When I got a call from the emergency room yesterday afternoon at my first chance to sit with a hot cup of coffee and a nebulizer treatment, I admit I was ready to collapse into tears. Instead I grabbed a coat and keys, assigned the kids jobs to cover for me, and started driving.

What I found was the sweetest man I know in a hospital bed hunched over a basin with blood pouring out of his nose. The same man who in the past year watched me labor all night to bring CJ into the world, rushed me to the er with kidney stones, and just last week juggled home and work while I was in the hospital with pneumonia for three days.  He is my rock, and it broke my heart to see him this way.  I fought back tears as I washed the blood out of his beard and ran my fingers through his hair.

Today he is still bleeding and hurting.  The ENT will take another stab at cauterizing his nose tomorrow, but today he was home with us. ALLLLL of us! Even the kids were all home by 5. 

And it hit me... He has to work Thanksgiving, and I had a chance unfolding before my eyes!   Chicken breasts and traditional gravy, homemade stuffing from a loaf of Italian bread, butter, stick, and fresh celery/onion/garlic, stock, corn, cranberries....   It was our 1 hour version of a  traditional holiday feast!  A new movie was popped into the DVD player and we piled onto the couches juggling plates and drinks.  For a few hours we ate, laughed, and exhaled.

The day didn't matter. The date didn't matter.  We were together and more thankful than I can put into words!  Everyone has scattered to finish homework, showers, and laundry. Nate is out cold on the couch from muscle relaxers for his back. I'm slowly taking on the kitchen mess.

But for now, as the 60 lb puppy comes running through the room with someone's bra in her mouth, life is good.  Really really good.

Don't wait for a day on the calendar.  Take advantage of every moment you can with the people you love.  CJ was with us for every bite tickling the giggles out of us and feeling our love.  #doitforcj

Thankful heart...

Babies...

Everywhere...

I have been inundated with them today.  Every tv commercial and program was brimming with them today.  My news feed was an odd balance of bereaved moms from my support groups sharing pictures of their angels and new moms holding beautiful pink babies born this week.

Plus we have my buddy who is here being cute during the day.  It's not a sad reminder, but definitely a strong one to have him here.  And while noticing the universe seemingly rubbing it in my face today, I also recognized my blessings.

Bonnie.  My insane shepherd/boxer/pit mix joined us as we began to process our grief last year.  Her crazy antics and hyperactive personality has made her a Facebook favorite. Bonnie is a blessing that would have never happened.  Thank you, CJ.  THANK YOU for sending this insane ball of love into our lives.

***  I began writing this prior to finding myself in the hospital for 3 days with pneumonia in both lungs. Home for a few days today and feeling so thankful and ready to finish this***

Friendships have been brought into my life that I would never have without my sweet boy.  Other moms who have survived the unimaginable swooped me up in there big, protective arms when I needed to feel safe.  We have cried, yelled, and even laughed together at all hours of the day and night.  I have been the comforted and eventually the comforter.  My sense of empathy and compassion has forever been changed by this experience.  Thank you CJ for bringing mommy the support she needed to get through the hardest days.

Old friends jumped to help me recover this week while I simply couldn't take care of myself.  Familiar faces nursed me back to health, took the time to ask about our CJ, and simply sit and hold my hand.  Companionship is easily avoided when you have been through such a traumatic time.  I'm thankful for these dear people stepping a bit closer than I usually allow towards my guarded heart.

Tomorrow I'm going to attempt to get life back on track.  My little buddy will be here causing havoc, kids will be shipped off to school, and hubby to work.  And nomatter how disastrous tomorrow goes, at the end of the day God willing I will kiss our daughters goodnight and snuggle back into bed with the man who somehow makes me laugh through it all.

Because let's face it,  even when missing CJ to the point of tears, I am very blessed.  And today I'm thankful for a lighter heart to see those blessings. 

Another day without my sweet CJ  on earth, but another day closer to holding him in heaven... #doitforcj