I made it. Another holiday where my sweet boy should be physically with us.
Short and sweet... It hurts. Hurts to the point of dissolving into painful sobs in my husband's arms as soon as we were home and the kids went to bed.
But one moment was so incredibly special to me. My family wasn't saying CJ's name. It was beginning to really hurt until a simple comment helped me realize we were ALL missing him. The exact comment doesn't matter, but how it made me feel changed me perception. I was able to understand this house full of people was missing CJ and protecting me. I felt admired for my honesty and strength, validated in my pain, and truly loved.
But once home, his absence was simply vicious on my heart. I broke down. And after leaving a nice tear puddle on my sweet man's shirt, a nice dose of Xanax and my PJs was all I wanted. Calm is simply washing over me. Almost a fog. Tonight I'm thankful for the help catching my breath. I've learned there is no badge of honor rewarded for not excepting the help when I need it. I really don't give a crap about the sigma of pharmaceutical help.
Soon Nate will join me in bed. As usual, his arms will become my refuge. He's hurting too. I feel it in his hugs and see it in his eyes. We miss our son.
Sweet dreams to all of you. I hope today was filled with family and love. For those feeling sad or alone, I understand. It's OK. I promise to always listen if you need an ear. I promise because I have a son I'm missing with a broken heart. #doitforcj
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