What I would do differently as a 40 something mom. ..

Let's face it, I became a mother very young.  19 to be exact.   For whatever reason, becoming a parent was very easy for me.   I was always the teenager babysitting every week for families that paid me well to keep me.  Infants to school age,  I loved them all.   My sweet first baby was light of my life. 

Her sisters that followed in my mid twenties are no different.  Blessings that so abundantly filled our lives.  Of course I have my fair share of mommy tantrum stories from days when I felt overwhelmed.  But for the most part, we parented with old school values and common sense. 

Our kids had plenty of clothes, toys, and of course our love and attention.  Even on a tight budget,  while the newest trends may not have been possible,  but they always had plenty.  The first time I really remember putting my foot down and taking a stand was over video games. They were pretty much banned from my home except the first electronic reading books that came out. We were in agreement that our children would not be glued to the TV for their childhood.  Back then the first portable gameboys were coming out and our kids  simply went without. 

Yet I admit too often feeling inadequate.  I wanted my beautifully dressed kids (thanks to clearance and resale shopping) to have even better.  I envied other parents minivans that were a bit nicer,  or strollers that are a model newer.  I wanted our kids to not feel behind in any way.   Many of their friends' parents were many years older than us.  They are simply more established and in a different phase of life.  I laugh now at how young we really were.

I'm pondering all of this as I think about what type of parent would I be for a newborn today?

Calm.   One thing we really bring to the table with a house full of young women is a pretty calm environment.  Now I have my bad days,  but typically or home is drama free.   We are not yellers.  My kids each muttered they hated us once and never again.   They were taught to respect us and each other.   Hate is the f word of ugly words and absolutely not allowed in our home. 

Loving.   I didn't grow up on a home were we said "I love you" and very rarely hugged.  It left me screaming for physical attention as a teenager.   Our kids are snuggled and told they are loved and are amazing every chance I get (to the point of eye rolls).  Living these lessons modeled to them exactly the support we needed after CJ.  They would sit on the couch with my for hours while I cried holding my hand. Almost 2 years later,  they know exactly how powerful a hug is when they catch me crying.  There's a love and bond between us that would only be strengthened  with another sibling. I've always felt there is an over flow screaming for more babies.   My body simply hasn't cooperated.

Patient.  This comes with simply being a bit more mature.  CJ had really taught me not to sweat the small stuff.  Laundry can stack up if I means my kids get my attention.  I have no desire to miss out on time with them to be stressing over cleaning.   We tackle it as team, then relax together.  I'm sure juggling supervising a toddler would be the same. It's easier to be patient when everyone works together.

Happy.   Our kids have brought us incredible joy from the moment we knew they were conceived.  Every single day they make me laugh.  I hurt to my soul knowing a time is coming when they are beginning to leave.   I never choose to have an empty nest already.   There should be little souls and toy boxes filling the nooks of my home.  Don't envy my ability to have glass shelving or fingerprintless furniture.   It's  all screaming for sticky hands and miscellaneous plastic toys.

I will never look at a pregnant woman in her 40s and assume her belly was a "oops" or mistake.   I see a woman with a beautiful opportunity to be the mom only maturity can help you be.   I wish others would stop asking or assuming my son was unplanned.   A surprised blessing after so many years of trying?  Yes.   But always part of God's plan for my life.   I'm hoping the rest of his plan had yet to be fulfilled. There's still lots of love,  patience, and happiness in my heart to share.

While my path unfolds,  I'll keep trying to stay positive.  That's how I #doitforcj!

Another transforming moment....

I am simply a work in progress.  I've learned that I am not trying to get back to the "old" me,  but working on a new existence for myself in this world.

Mothers Day has absolutely been an eye opening lesson this year.  I have dreaded and made big plans for avoidance of the entire date.  But no amount of planning fills a broken heart.

My family did exactly as I asked.   Kept it simple.  Funny cards with thoughtful messages and a morning run for my favorite bagels.   I could feel the heaviness in the air as we all avoided the elephant in the room.   One of us will forever be painfully missing.  

Looking back at this week,  I'm realizing a shift.  While these past 20 months have been a struggle to just live,  I've retreated into a life often self isolating.   Online support groups have been my lifeline.  And unfortunately,  a couple who I trusted have taken advantage of me in the most unthinkable way.  They have stolen from CJ's legacy,  or attempted to.  A real friend swooped in the defend and protect us.   Someone tangible that has held me through my tears,  laughed at my insanity, and truly become a much loved friend.

Some strangers who have met me online with the common link of losing a child may wonder where I've gone this week.  I've simply outgrown a stage of grief.   Some true friendships will never, never be let go of.   But some while I wish them all well, it's time to say goodbye. I can't stay where people are stuck in grief.

Ok, sweet cj.  I get it!  In order to enjoy being your mom,  I have to allow myself to enjoy life.   I'm working on it.   Like I've said, I'm a often a hot mess, but atleast I'm progressing towards more happiness every day.   In your honor I've deleted a few groups that bring drama into my life.  I'm saving that energy for the real people that hold me up and push me closer to you every single day.  Because kiddo,  I will spend the rest of my life with only one goal...

                                #doitforcj

"Mothers Day" bullshit and a soaking wet dog...

Sometimes a stressful week bubbles over to a moment of such insanity that it becomes hilarious.  That has been me this week!

I have been trying to avoid all things relating to the upcoming Hallmark holiday with every inch of my being!  I am so blessed and thankful to be a mom.  What I don't need is a day of counting my blessings and being reminded of our missing son.   Even my morning tv is swamped with sweet little stories of moms who reign in the quest for the motherhood crown.  Yep, I'm calling bullshit on the entire "holiday"!

In my quest to block out the bullshit, a few days ago we went to the local hardware store for mulch dirt, a half dozen big planters, and several flats of flowers. I spent 8 hours cleaning, planting, and blowing off steam in our backyard.

Not everyone appreciated my hard work.

Bonnie...

Our ridiculously spoiled 1 year old shepherd/boxer/pitbull mix maniac. Life with Bonnie is like living with the 3 stooges all wrapped up n a nonverbal nut job! Her energy is never ending, she is smarter than any animal I have ever known, and she is trained to do very little except cuddle and make us laugh.

Yesterday, like any other day, she spent most of the afternoon in the fenced yard having a marvelous time.  What I didn't realize until my oldest daughter walked in the house laughing was that sweet Bonnie was digging up all of my beautiful planters.

I hit my boiling point!  After screaming at her in the backyard like a maniac, she peed all over herself in fear and probably confusion.  As she ran off to hide, I prepared for battle.  My daughter, still laughing hysterically, watched me turn the hose on and hide around the corner.  My heart was pounding out of my chest and the pup should be thankful the hose was the onlv weapon I could find at the moment! I took a deep breath and starting cheerfully calling Bonnie to me.  Yes,  the daughter is still laughing hysterically watching this all unfold.  Don't worry- It's all about to blow up in her face!

Bonnie comes happily trotting over and into my trap.  As soon as she turns the corner and is trapped between me and the fence I open fire!  I sprayed that damn dog down with every bit of frustration I had been brewing this week!  I sprayed her until she backed herself right into the corner.  And I kept spraying.  I may have even had a menacing laugh at this point.  And eventually I stop seeing red and notice the daughter the dog has hidden behind who is drenched, arms raised like she's under arrest, and howling in laughter at her insane mother!  I lowered my weapon and paused for a moment with the realization of what I had just done. More laughter as we both lost it!

Now for all of you worried about Bonnie, she shook off and trotted away oblivious.

This story was retold to the rest of the family over burgers in a restaurant later that night.  We all howled in laughter as Kate recounted being hose down by a crazy woman.  I sat thankfully with tears in my eyes for our rowdy table of the people who love me even when I'm acting like a maniac. 

That's what I want my Mother's Day to be.  Not fancy brunches, cards, or cheesy tv specials.  I want to acknowledge how hard the entire gig really is!  It's pictures of a mascara streaked woman holding her dead baby. It's moms NOT having stellar moments and feeding their kids popcorn for dinner.  And it's hosing your 22 year old down on accident when you finally over boil.  And most importantly it's saying you are still doing stellar job even on those years that you wonder how you will take the next breath, let alone care for others.  Screw that Hallmark image of the sweet mom sharing a yard swing with her adorable toddler in matching sundresses!  Put a woman lying on her son's grave crying and I can finally relate.

Give your moms a real gift this week.  Be the kid laughing hysterically while her mom hoses her down accidently.  Forgive a woman's flaws and rejoice her ability to persevere.  No journey is perfect, but you can get through it with some laughter and a lot of love.  #doitforcj