I am simply a work in progress. I've learned that I am not trying to get back to the "old" me, but working on a new existence for myself in this world.
Mothers Day has absolutely been an eye opening lesson this year. I have dreaded and made big plans for avoidance of the entire date. But no amount of planning fills a broken heart.
My family did exactly as I asked. Kept it simple. Funny cards with thoughtful messages and a morning run for my favorite bagels. I could feel the heaviness in the air as we all avoided the elephant in the room. One of us will forever be painfully missing.
Looking back at this week, I'm realizing a shift. While these past 20 months have been a struggle to just live, I've retreated into a life often self isolating. Online support groups have been my lifeline. And unfortunately, a couple who I trusted have taken advantage of me in the most unthinkable way. They have stolen from CJ's legacy, or attempted to. A real friend swooped in the defend and protect us. Someone tangible that has held me through my tears, laughed at my insanity, and truly become a much loved friend.
Some strangers who have met me online with the common link of losing a child may wonder where I've gone this week. I've simply outgrown a stage of grief. Some true friendships will never, never be let go of. But some while I wish them all well, it's time to say goodbye. I can't stay where people are stuck in grief.
Ok, sweet cj. I get it! In order to enjoy being your mom, I have to allow myself to enjoy life. I'm working on it. Like I've said, I'm a often a hot mess, but atleast I'm progressing towards more happiness every day. In your honor I've deleted a few groups that bring drama into my life. I'm saving that energy for the real people that hold me up and push me closer to you every single day. Because kiddo, I will spend the rest of my life with only one goal...
#doitforcj
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