Speaking up. .

What a crazy week!  Since CJ was born, there was one major goal that I hoped to achieve one day.  I wanted to help our hospital do better.

I'm not speaking medically.  And for the sake of my own privacy,  I won't go into the medical issues that surrounded our outcome.   But spiritually.

Gasp! Spiritually?  In a place of business?  Because let's face it,  hospitals exist to turn a profit.   But when the tag line they use is "sharing the healing ministries of Christ", they could have done better.

My journey began with the coordinator of a program for infant and pregnancy loss support group through the region.  She and I had several long, tearful conversations.   I have yet to utilize the support group through the hospital to it's full potential because of the burdens I was holding in my heart.

Then an invitation was made.   I was asked to speak in front of a few department heads.  Nervously I accepted.  For the sake of my own healing.   Our simple scheduled meeting turned into 20 clergy/managers/nurses/ support staff crowding into a small conference room to hear my sweet baby boy's story. Tissues were passed, hugs were shared, as I honestly cried my way through the hardest story of my life.

The meeting was recorded,  and with my permission is becoming part of a mandatory curriculum were any hospital employee who deals with grieving families must view.  So many changes have already been implemented because of my sweet little boy.  Instead of changes, I should really say additions.  Additional services and support will be offered for every family facing this nightmare. Hopefully families can walk away with beautiful memories made with their baby.  Every baby.

All because of one little boy.

The fire this has sparked inside of me brings such joy. Even through the tears every moment I get to speak about him is my tangeable proof that he exists.  To see tears of love and support running down the cheeks of so many showed me what I have known all along.   Christian's imprint on this world will be everlasting.

So that's where I've been,  plus recovering from a frantic er trip with kidney stones. As always, your continued prayers are appreciated and needed.  Physical pain seems to aggravate the emotional.

Love, jen

Yep... still there

His headstone is still there.  I checked this morning.  I'm not sure why, but something in my heart isn't computing that this is permanent.  

Then we came home and an overwhelming feeling of needing to run set in.   Luckily my husband and kids were willing participants.  Escaping reality is a journey that we attempt every chance we get.   So we piled into the car, picked up a ridiculous amount of fast food and iced coffee, and headed towards the city.

We ended up popping in on my husband's 87 year old grandmother for an hour, then to the cemetery where my father in law is buried.  To put this into perspective, we have visited his grave once in 18 years.

We were completely unprepared, so after locating the site (which if you have been to a Catholic Chicago cemetery you can imagine that feat after many years! ) we made a quick run to the drugstore for a prayer candle and flag. It felt like such a simple and easy task.  As a family, we laughed as we cleared of the headstone and my husband battled an ant hill. We stood arms around eachother as we have become so accustomed to doing this past year.  A long link of arms holding eachother up even if someone is about to fall.

Eventually we drove home to tackle dinner.  The kids started a pot of sauce while we ran to pick up 2 benches that I had made from parts of Christian's crib. Again,  we were brought to tears seeing new life in something as simple as wood.   The use of his crib may have transformed, but the hope and promise he filled our hearts with was still there.

You see, or reality is completely shifted.  We spend much of our time thinking we are hiding from it, but actually learning to live in it.  Yes,  I meant IN it, not WITH it.   With it would imply we are able to be seperated from it.  It's as if we are learning to live IN a different atmosphere that leaves us gaping for air.  As we relearn to breathe, we learn to force ourselves to attempt calmness. 

Arms around eachother, one day at a time.  We will #doitforcj

set in stone...

Set in stone...

I have a completely different understanding of that phrase tonight.

So here is how this a very odd series of events played out this morning... Nate left to lok at some side work.  Completely annoyed that I really wanted some company with me while I ran a few errands, I went to the cemetery first thinking maybe his stone would be there and I could selfishly have a few moments to absorb the reality.  No stone, but a quick visit left me feeling alone and really wanting some time with my hubby.

So I called him..

And text him...

and got more and more annoyed that he was not responding.  I even began to stew a bit.  Then a text came across that got my attention- he was trying to call but my phone kept hanging up on him.  A few cryptic text msgs later and we managed to meet up in a parking lot. This has been an ongoing issue with my sometimes working phone, so we left his van parked and went over to TMobile.  An hour later, I had a new phone and we were off to finish my to-do list together.

Then a message popped up on my new phone from our girls that they were going to visit CJ.  So we headed that way thinking we could talk to them about grabbing a quick bite.  And of course, we missed them.  Typical to how our day had been playing out!  I decided to go say a quick hello again anyway.  Lingering a bit (not really sure why) I suggested we walk to the other side of the cemetery and visit a cousin's grave.  As we wandered over, a truck from a monument company pulled in.  From far away, I knew the second I saw the base of his stone on the truck with another monument what was unfolding.  I immediately started to cry as I walked to the truck.  In disbelief we saw the parts to his stone.  The kind man told us he had another to set up first, then would drive to the back to do CJ's.  I went back to the van to grab my new phone to call the girls.  20 min later we were all together sitting on a blanket under the trees and quietly watched as CJ's stone was assembled.  We thanked him and he kindly expressed his condolences.  When he drove off, we all just sat there quietly for a few moments.  It was as if the moment was too surreal to wrap our minds around what was in front of us.  It was my son's legacy set in stone. 

We couldn't have planned it better if we wanted to.  We were all together.  The unplanned nature didn't give anyone a chance to get too worked up.  The sun's position behind the black stone was making it near to impossible to get clear pictures with our cell phones. This was causing giggles and acrobatics while we tried every angle we could com up with.  And of course, the photographer of the family had a new phone that I didn't know how to use! 

I wondered how today would feel.  It was sad.  There were tears.  But there as also great peace is seeing that permanent monument.  My son existed on this earth.  His life was finally marked for all to see.  Not in the temporary (yet loving) way we have held vigil over for almost a year.  It was a moment of pure love having us all together. ALLLL of us.  And CJ had to be cracking up watching us decide which decorations to leave and his sisters taking selfies in his reflection.

I have spent so much time and energy on this moment.  It is almost stressful to wonder where to direct all of that energy tomorrow.  I pray it can be channeled into healing. Just a few more weeks until his 1 year angelersary.  1 year... that's is really hard to believe.

#doitforcj

Let it go!

First of all.  Ouuuuuuch! completely over did the cardio part of my workout today.  My planned 40 min on the treadmill turned into 58 for one simple reason.  The episode where Calli and Arizona got married was on!  So I pushed it for the extra 18 min while crying through the final moments of the show (even as a rerun it made me cry!)

I'm a bit apprehensive trying to put some thought into next month. Making 1 year since CJ left us needs to be special.  Yet when I step back and really look at the people who should be closest to us, it hurts to think they wouldn't share in the desire to celebrate our sweet boy.  In all actuality, we are pretty much alone lately.  A select few check on us occasionally.  But as time ticks by, a very uncomfortable norm has formed.  In an attempt to protect us, invitations are rare to much of anything. Our weekends are spent keeping busy but aware of how isolated we have become.

Hurt feeling are also surfacing from those who have been disappointed by our methods of grieving. It's hard for me to give anyone pouting without the guts to talk to me an ounce of my energy.  I've heard in babyloss forums that this is common.  While walking through life in a complete fog, often people take a grieving family's actions as a personal attack.  Here's the thing-we are truly clueless. 

So I'm asking for your forgiveness, prayers, and love.  I pray that any strained relationships can be healed.  But mostly, I hope our support system grows and evolves patiently with us as we figure out how to parent an angel.

As for many wonderful hugs today I am so thankful.  Social gatherings can be stressful.  Social gatherings at the hospital can be a recipe for disaster.  Tonight we were welcomed and embraced by many who were there working in the hospital when CJ was delivered. I realize how blessed I am to see my ob socially and be greeted with big hugs. 

My prayer for all of you tonight is that you put down one grudge you are holding.  Let it go. (so tempting to break into lyrics here!) Bless someone with a blank slate.  And bless your own soul with a lighter load.  Life is hard enough! #doitforcj

Love to all of my prayer warriors and fellow souls searching for an easier existence!   -jen

Time for a change

It's not an exaggeration to say my sweet husbandand I loved having newborns in the house.  Those first few weeks when you protectively through extreme exhaustion spend countless hours rocking and pacing.  We easily fell into a rhythm of taking over for the other and even caught ourselves reluctant to allow the other to take the sweet bundle from our arms.  We would hear other new parents complain, and never understood how you would wish for those few precious wks to go by. 

When your baby dies, your body does not understand the absence.  You still bleed, your milk comes in, and your arms ache.  Physically ache.  I would wake up every few hours with a soaking wet bra begging God to stop being so cruel.  Everyone around you wants you to begin to heal emotionally, but the reality is you just had a baby.   The physical has to be dealt with along with the emotional.

With time, your body heals.  Well meaning comments of how wonderful you look cut like a knife.  Your child is slipping away even more, or so it seems.

Even more time has gone by and I started to realize how desperately I have physically punished myself.  Extra weight, out of shape, overloaded in caffeine.  I simply stopped caring.   The very body that killed my son in my mind had became my enemy.  And in turn, I didn't deserve anything less than punishment, neglect, and even hatred.

I'm cutting myself some slack.  Our local YMCA is my new refuge.  I am allowing myself the time I am in that building to put down the guilt, slowly begin to come to peace with where I am physically, and take the time to head in a new direction.

Besides... Only 9 months until our next big family celebration!  9 months.

Hmmmmm- how crazy is it that timing?  I get it CJ. thanks for the nudge sweet boy!

#doitforcj

Follow my new twitter...

Check out Jen Ags (@livinlife4cj): https://twitter.com/livinlife4cj

cracking up in the cemetery and other allowed behaviors

The cemetery.  I know- many other moms have cuter words for it.

Eternal Nursery, Babyland, resting place, angel garden...

If you have been following along, you know I prefer to call a spade a spade.  My son is dead.  CJ is buried in our church cemetery.  The words are as harsh as the reality, and deserve to be spoken.

Yet in a place that holds the memories or my greatest despair, sweet moments of pure insanity tend to leak out.  In those moments when I allow myself to put down social expectations for a grieving mother,  release that held in pain, then sit in his presence, some pretty amazing things happen. Case in point:

Holy Heavens did the skies open up on us this week!  Our area was hit with 5 small tornadoes. The next day I needed to stop by the cemetery and take care of my son.  His stone has yet to be placed, and his temporary decorations leave me lying awake at night worrying about.  As silly as that may sound, while others of you may worry about your child's diet, sniffles, diaper rash... those of us who have buried our babies only have a garden, grave site, or shelf holding an urn to tend to with the same amount of love.  This day 2 daughters decided to tag along.  My visit started with a quick chat with CJ and I lost track of my other kiddos.  When I looked up, my oldest was picking up a few blown over decorations so I went to join her.  A few moments later, I glanced up to find my youngest daughter with her arms overflowing with decorations happily (and randomly) passing out baskets, wreaths, and loose flowers.

Of course I dared ask what she was up to.  Her answer was so simply beautiful.  Passing them back out to everyone!  You see, in her 14 years of life, the answer to the stack of flowers that had blown all the way over to the fence was to pick them out and share the love.  It didn't matter who got what.  It just mattered that love was shared with as many as possible!  As I caught my breathe trying to decide what to say/do, she looked into her arms and proclaimed "this one says dad.  who looks like a dad?"

Hysterical laughter ensued.  I looked over at CJ's little grave and thought "move over kiddo!  Your sisters are killing me!" 

Our reality is ridiculous.  I understand our behavior  may seem so also at times.  Life is messy, and painful, and beautiful, and hopeful.  And by allowing God's love into our life we are promised an eternity with CJ in a place so much better than here.  So laughing hysterically in a cemetery is allowed.  Crying in church, grocery store, gas station, beauty salon, vet office is also allowed.  And allowing ourselves the joy of sharing CJ's love is a gift that we are trying to embrace every single day.

Who knows...  maybe he's thinking it's about time he heard more laughing down there!!  Share some love today. #doitforcj