I have a completely different understanding of that phrase tonight.
So here is how this a very odd series of events played out this morning... Nate left to lok at some side work. Completely annoyed that I really wanted some company with me while I ran a few errands, I went to the cemetery first thinking maybe his stone would be there and I could selfishly have a few moments to absorb the reality. No stone, but a quick visit left me feeling alone and really wanting some time with my hubby.
So I called him..
And text him...
and got more and more annoyed that he was not responding. I even began to stew a bit. Then a text came across that got my attention- he was trying to call but my phone kept hanging up on him. A few cryptic text msgs later and we managed to meet up in a parking lot. This has been an ongoing issue with my sometimes working phone, so we left his van parked and went over to TMobile. An hour later, I had a new phone and we were off to finish my to-do list together.
Then a message popped up on my new phone from our girls that they were going to visit CJ. So we headed that way thinking we could talk to them about grabbing a quick bite. And of course, we missed them. Typical to how our day had been playing out! I decided to go say a quick hello again anyway. Lingering a bit (not really sure why) I suggested we walk to the other side of the cemetery and visit a cousin's grave. As we wandered over, a truck from a monument company pulled in. From far away, I knew the second I saw the base of his stone on the truck with another monument what was unfolding. I immediately started to cry as I walked to the truck. In disbelief we saw the parts to his stone. The kind man told us he had another to set up first, then would drive to the back to do CJ's. I went back to the van to grab my new phone to call the girls. 20 min later we were all together sitting on a blanket under the trees and quietly watched as CJ's stone was assembled. We thanked him and he kindly expressed his condolences. When he drove off, we all just sat there quietly for a few moments. It was as if the moment was too surreal to wrap our minds around what was in front of us. It was my son's legacy set in stone.
We couldn't have planned it better if we wanted to. We were all together. The unplanned nature didn't give anyone a chance to get too worked up. The sun's position behind the black stone was making it near to impossible to get clear pictures with our cell phones. This was causing giggles and acrobatics while we tried every angle we could com up with. And of course, the photographer of the family had a new phone that I didn't know how to use!
I wondered how today would feel. It was sad. There were tears. But there as also great peace is seeing that permanent monument. My son existed on this earth. His life was finally marked for all to see. Not in the temporary (yet loving) way we have held vigil over for almost a year. It was a moment of pure love having us all together. ALLLL of us. And CJ had to be cracking up watching us decide which decorations to leave and his sisters taking selfies in his reflection.
I have spent so much time and energy on this moment. It is almost stressful to wonder where to direct all of that energy tomorrow. I pray it can be channeled into healing. Just a few more weeks until his 1 year angelersary. 1 year... that's is really hard to believe.
#doitforcj
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