Eternal Nursery, Babyland, resting place, angel garden...
If you have been following along, you know I prefer to call a spade a spade. My son is dead. CJ is buried in our church cemetery. The words are as harsh as the reality, and deserve to be spoken.
Yet in a place that holds the memories or my greatest despair, sweet moments of pure insanity tend to leak out. In those moments when I allow myself to put down social expectations for a grieving mother, release that held in pain, then sit in his presence, some pretty amazing things happen. Case in point:
Holy Heavens did the skies open up on us this week! Our area was hit with 5 small tornadoes. The next day I needed to stop by the cemetery and take care of my son. His stone has yet to be placed, and his temporary decorations leave me lying awake at night worrying about. As silly as that may sound, while others of you may worry about your child's diet, sniffles, diaper rash... those of us who have buried our babies only have a garden, grave site, or shelf holding an urn to tend to with the same amount of love. This day 2 daughters decided to tag along. My visit started with a quick chat with CJ and I lost track of my other kiddos. When I looked up, my oldest was picking up a few blown over decorations so I went to join her. A few moments later, I glanced up to find my youngest daughter with her arms overflowing with decorations happily (and randomly) passing out baskets, wreaths, and loose flowers.
Of course I dared ask what she was up to. Her answer was so simply beautiful. Passing them back out to everyone! You see, in her 14 years of life, the answer to the stack of flowers that had blown all the way over to the fence was to pick them out and share the love. It didn't matter who got what. It just mattered that love was shared with as many as possible! As I caught my breathe trying to decide what to say/do, she looked into her arms and proclaimed "this one says dad. who looks like a dad?"
Hysterical laughter ensued. I looked over at CJ's little grave and thought "move over kiddo! Your sisters are killing me!"
Our reality is ridiculous. I understand our behavior may seem so also at times. Life is messy, and painful, and beautiful, and hopeful. And by allowing God's love into our life we are promised an eternity with CJ in a place so much better than here. So laughing hysterically in a cemetery is allowed. Crying in church, grocery store, gas station, beauty salon, vet office is also allowed. And allowing ourselves the joy of sharing CJ's love is a gift that we are trying to embrace every single day.
Who knows... maybe he's thinking it's about time he heard more laughing down there!! Share some love today. #doitforcj
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