First of all. Ouuuuuuch! completely over did the cardio part of my workout today. My planned 40 min on the treadmill turned into 58 for one simple reason. The episode where Calli and Arizona got married was on! So I pushed it for the extra 18 min while crying through the final moments of the show (even as a rerun it made me cry!)
I'm a bit apprehensive trying to put some thought into next month. Making 1 year since CJ left us needs to be special. Yet when I step back and really look at the people who should be closest to us, it hurts to think they wouldn't share in the desire to celebrate our sweet boy. In all actuality, we are pretty much alone lately. A select few check on us occasionally. But as time ticks by, a very uncomfortable norm has formed. In an attempt to protect us, invitations are rare to much of anything. Our weekends are spent keeping busy but aware of how isolated we have become.
Hurt feeling are also surfacing from those who have been disappointed by our methods of grieving. It's hard for me to give anyone pouting without the guts to talk to me an ounce of my energy. I've heard in babyloss forums that this is common. While walking through life in a complete fog, often people take a grieving family's actions as a personal attack. Here's the thing-we are truly clueless.
So I'm asking for your forgiveness, prayers, and love. I pray that any strained relationships can be healed. But mostly, I hope our support system grows and evolves patiently with us as we figure out how to parent an angel.
As for many wonderful hugs today I am so thankful. Social gatherings can be stressful. Social gatherings at the hospital can be a recipe for disaster. Tonight we were welcomed and embraced by many who were there working in the hospital when CJ was delivered. I realize how blessed I am to see my ob socially and be greeted with big hugs.
My prayer for all of you tonight is that you put down one grudge you are holding. Let it go. (so tempting to break into lyrics here!) Bless someone with a blank slate. And bless your own soul with a lighter load. Life is hard enough! #doitforcj
Love to all of my prayer warriors and fellow souls searching for an easier existence! -jen
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