I'm frustrated.
Surprise, surprise!
How do I deal with people that should love us through anything that are holding a grudge for things I said a few months after I lost my son? For standing up for myself and admitting my feelings were trampled by their actions? For once, standing up and saying ENOUGH?
Why do we continue to apologize for needing to protect our hearts? Why is it my responsibility to mend fences with people who have decided to avoid us during the hardest time of our lives over words?
Words.
Honest, pure, hurt derived, heartbroken, angst riddled, overstressed, sleep deprived, emotionally empty words. Words that I probably strung together wrong in the eyes of those who are used to me kissing their ass. Words that have been stifled for many years and many occasions due to an upbringing that urged my to keep the peace, be pleasant, and never make a scene.
Yet words that I have no desire to apologize for. A discussion would be the reasonable response you would think, but instead we have been comically shunned. Comically as in who stops speaking to people who you should love unconditionally, especially when they are in a living hell? The only other place I can think such behavior could originate is cruelty, so I prefer to find it comical.
Sometimes after YEARS of hurt feelings, you explode. Or even worse, implode. The end result is a mess either way. It's just the difference of destroying yourself, or taking down a few bystanders with you. Evidently I am the explode type.
All over words.
That brings me back to the purest text message of my life. I sent a text to the most prayer driven man I know when we got the heartbreaking news that we had lost CJ. I needed prayers of biblical proportions. His response was so perfect.
"FUCK"
This man who I knew would drop to his knees in prayer for us summed up that moment so perfectly. The response was completely shocking, over the top, and perfect. It showed me in that moment that I didn't need to share another word. He understood the gravity of the situation. He asked nothing else and i have no doubt he was with us every step of the way until her got to hug me for the first time in over 20 years at the funeral. That's is a friend. How crazy blessed am I to be that loved? My gratitude for that text is immeasurable. We knew we were not alone and he was there for the long haul. All with one obscene word. I still feel his prayers around me daily.
Loosing your child is an obscene situation. Having to survive it even more so. I have imploded to a point where parts of me will never heal. I have exploded and some have cowered and chosen to leave us. But many, many more have inched closer to us knowing the danger. They wear the battle wounds of being on the front line as we fired desperately into the darkness in an attempt to protect ourselves.
Those tattered angels show up with wine and owls when I think I am completely alone and forgotten in my pain. They quietly helped us pay for our son's headstone when we thought we would have to chose between tuition for one child or a headstone for another. They realize our need to live life and push us by sending us out to enjoy ourselves with concert tickets and dinner gift cards. They continue to pray for us and understand too well the pain in our eyes despite our smiles. That army of love has helped me deal with those who bluntly pout with anger and hurt feeling over words.
Words.
Seriously??
FUCK
I'll be contemplating making peace for the sake of my sweet husband's nerves. But not apologizing. I did nothing wrong. I am giving myself a pass on the typical guilt trip I force upon myself. Because in the end, I'm surviving. In whatever form it may take, I #doitforcj.
*** please be sure to subscribe and follow my blog. I appreciate the shares and hope to get many more!! With every share comes the chance for someone who thinks they are alone in this journey to hear another crazy woman digging through the same crap. Or maybe we can simply learn to be kinder to each other. All of us. Heaven knows I can always use the reminder! #doitforcj ***
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