But unfortunately my kids have now seen a post online that makes me look like a monster. While the person who wrote it could very easily call me, she has decided to take the public venue. So I am going to clear the air. Here is one small logistical part of CJs story that I have vaguely covered before...
I was induced with CJ on Sunday evening. He was born at 5:30am Monday. A nurse grabbed a camera and took a few pictures for us. Most were blurry with poor lighting making him look much darker than he was at an angle that make him resemble a little pug puppy (but so so cute!). A cd appeared in my room just a few hours later with the company logo of the contracted photography company I will refer to as B. I didn't give it much more thought than that. Disappointed that we only had novice pictures taken on the photographer's equipment, assumingly placed on that cd by the same nurse. Luckily my sister took one picture of each of our girls holding him with her iPhone.
After a few weeks, I found myself looking at B's company's website and searching the internet for information. I was heartbroken to see that the company DID take pictures of babies born still as well as the wealth of professional photographer volunteers that the hospital could have on call that donate their services for bereaved families. With time I will become determined to insure every single baby delivered at that hospital have a professional photo shoot. My obstacle was making the right contacts and figuring out where the current protocol fell apart for CJ.
I was visited once by an old friend who happens to work for B. She was very sweet responding to my questions, but it stuck in my mind that she kept mentioning that they (the photographers) had lives too and couldn't cover the hospital 24/7. I stuck with me to the point of nightmares. I understood this was just a job to her and she had a point. So I started investigating.
I contacted 2 other photographers that work for B at other hospitals that were friends of friends. I gathered mounds of info, but things STILL were not adding up. Eventually several months ago I had a meeting with the head of the bereavement department for the 4 hospitals in our area over several issues that could use improvement. We will call her RN. Her compassion for our story was overwhelming, and she sprang into action. Several things that may seem small to others were improved immediately. Footprint cards that rejoiced in birth instead of reflecting death, kits to make hand and feet molds, retraining of the staff on the rights of families/services and options available to families, and finally the photography contract. She immediately met with B and planted the seed of our story. Change was happening before my eyes in so many ways.
There was a history of crappy stories regarding B bouncing between the hospitals. In a support group I heard of a photographer from this very company that refused to even enter the room. Moms have been treated for the most part respectfully, but the few blemishes were horrific. But the biggest glaring aspect was the specific hospital we were at seemed to be a free for all. So very simply, administration pulled the contract and opened a conversation with the company while exploring other options.
Yesterday, after 10 months of this process I finally sat in on a meeting with B, RN, and hospital staff to hear from B what has been addressed and the policies in place now, as well as showing a few nurses how to operate the camera in case of an emergency. The meeting of the minds was very positive. After the meeting was wrapped up, I was chatting with the manager from B. My story timeline was discussed in detail to figure out what happened. Then after over a year of not understand why I do not have professional pictures of CJ, it all fell together before my eyes.
I always assumed the photographer never set foot in the hospital on Monday. It was the only reasonable explanation. I was wrong. There is absolutely no reason that my sweet boy did not have pictures taken. The hospital is covered by a photographer 7 days a week by contract. He was born at 5:30am and remained in the building until later that night. A photographer from B was there at 9am (or should have been. that has not been confirmed). That photographer took the card with the few pictures the nurse took, edited them, made 2 black and whites, and burned it to the cd. The cd was given to a nurse to deliver to me.
So a professional photographer looked at CJ's few pictures and burned them to a cd without ever offering to take photos. A baby that was born just a few hours prior and was still available.
no feet, no hands, no profile, no bare head even. Nothing of us kissing our sweet boy. Pictures with our priest where not a smidge of CJ is showing. Just a blanket in my arms.
Just a close up of his blurry face and a few family pictures of me with a ridiculous ponytail on top of my head in a hospital gown and smeared makeup. This was my only photo memories of my son. His ENTIRE physical existence on this earth in 6 crappy shots by a nurse with good intentions.
Think about that. 6 pictures.
Yes, sometimes babies need to be brought back from the morgue for pictures. The district manager of the B made it very clear that this is policy and done often. But he was still on the floor for some time. B employees work in a hospital and it is part of thier job. They know it when they are hired. But considering this photographer was on premises a few hours within his birth, THERE IS NO EXCUSE. Someone CHOSE not to follow up on a very minimal, pathetic sitting (in the eyes of ANY professional photographer) and sent that cd to my room without another thought. It was not important. We were not important. It was good enough. My first thought was I pray that the photographer is not someone I know. To see my family on the screen and know I am there broken hearted and do nothing is deplorable. This is not an expectation for someone to go above and beyond. This is simply following through on the company contract and offering every baby in the building a proper photo shoot.
So yesterday my heart broke all over again. As the pieces of the puzzle came together and we realized this did fall on the hands of one photographer who made a decision with the only memories I will have for the rest of my life. I hope I never learn the identity of the photographer. I will never forgive her for stealing those memories being captured from us. The photo we have enlarged and framed over our fireplace is of his hands. The only one we have of those sweet hands. Our funeral director took it with his cell phone after he dressed him. We cropped out his dark, swollen face to protect our own hearts. We are eternally thankful he took that picture as a spontaneous gesture to a grieving mom who never saw her son at the funeral home. But now it just is a reminder that a professional photographer had an opportunity to snap a couple quick pictures of him while he was still a cute pink little baby and she chose not to.
I cried on the way home with the confirmation that CJ did not simply slip through the cracks. But by the time I was home, I was at peace. Those changes mean less regrets for the next families who have to endure this living hell. They will be haunted by plenty other things.
My kids were smiles and so happy to hear of the changes. I kept the B part quiet since I was still processing. I put on some coffee and sat down to prepare for a photo shoot with 2 adorable little girls later that evening. Sipping coffee, listening to CJ's soundtrack, and printing release forms I found contentment.
Then my phone rang. "jen, are you online?" a friend asked sounding urgent. Of course I was. She directed me to a post. Luckily when I found it I took a screen shot before I was blocked a few hours later from reading it. It seems a B photographer has taken to social media to blast me. My involvement with the hospital has obviously struck a nerve.
"I am repeatedly hurt by a friend blaming me for pain at a time when I reached out in friendship genuine caring only to have things used against me. I can't believe healing can happen when you are soooooooo very focused on tearing down others that go out of their way to comfort people....."
The rest just gets uglier.
So here is my one any only time I will address this. EVERYTHING I do is in honor of CJ. My issues were with the policies of B, not any particular employee. 3 employees very clearly gave me the same run down of how things operate. The reputation and track record of past situations with B was well known around the hospitals and simply needed to be corrected. RN had stories that ripped at my heart. This was a situation waiting to overboil and I was just the woman to turn the heat up so it had to be dealt with! And from what I have seen, they have been! It seems to me that if you are so incredibly mad the level this was taken to for the sake of your reputation, maybe you were part of the problem instead of the solution. This was business, pure and simple. There are about 50 losses at year at this one hospital alone. 50 moms that hold their dead baby. Every single one needs to be treated with the same respect, digity, and urgency that a sitting of a cherub faced live baby that brings in a nice commission brings.
Every
Single
One.
So today my friend list should be shorter, but I have to laugh that several more moms have joined following my online insanity. I will be ok. More cages will be rattled, change will be sparked, and people will remember CJ's name.
I spent the day trying to decide how to handle this, and it turns out my incredible flock of angels once again swooped in to try to spare my heart with some damage control. My circle of supporters is bigger and more ferocious than I would ever want to take on myself ! And I love every one of you. But I ask you all to let it be. I have put enough info out there to honor CJ without retaliating in an ugly way. Let's all just delete her impulsive message and not share it any further. Everyone breathe.
And smile! Think of all of those cute little piggies that moms will have molds of. Sweet little fingers photographed to be framed. Remember my efforts have educated the staff of fantastic support outlets for when the families return home empty handed. My work is far from done, but holy heck!! I can't believe how far we have come in a year!
Because let's face it,
I may ruffle a few feathers
but in the end all that matters is that I
#doitforcj
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