It's been a few days. Some days my highs and lows exhaust me to where I can't seen to pull my thoughts together. The changing seasons are bringing back a lot of memories of last year.
I remember the trees losing leaves annoying me. Without a headstone, if a few days went between visits the only way to find CJ was by the crazy about of decorations we had out there for him.
This year I can't even get my thoughts together to change his flowers out to fall colors. I stopped by only once this week and ended up on the ground crying into the grass until I was exhausted. There was very little comfort to being close to him.
Time hurts. I can't remember him as clearly. I know the few pictures I have of him are not quite what he looked like, but I can't see him in my mind like I could just a few months ago. The feeling of his tiny weight in my arms is gone. My arms simply ache from the emptiness.
Halloween decorations simply disgust me. Every RIP fake headstone makes me want to vomit. Why is that funny? Why have we turned death into something to mock? Cemeteries into places of gore and horror?
So today my reality hurts. It just really really hurts. Hopefully a house full of homecoming excitement will be distracting tomorrow. Either way, my only choice is to keep trying to #doitforcj
Just my newest household reminder of his sweet presence with us :)
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