I've been pretty darn angry if you haven't noticed. Tonight I had such a relaxed bit of time with my husband. This is a very rare evening treat due to work schedules. Having him home with a sore back gave us a chance to crawl into bed before midnight and watch a movie together while I folded laundry. Such a simple thing, but much needed normalcy.
That's what I miss most. Simple normalcy. I have felt like I've been scrutinized every step I've taken this past year. I don't say enough, say too much, I'm pushy, don't ask for what I want, expect too much, don't give people a chance to help, take on too much, need to get back to life... Just a few of the favorite gossip lines that float around about me. Everyone has an opinion, yet very few say it directly to me.
So I exploded. I have spent the past few weeks really ticked off. Not the healthiest phase of grief. But tonight, I put my guard down. I laughed and enjoyed some crazy simple time. I allowed myself to fell some guilt free joy.
This isn't how my life is supposed to be. I don't think I'm going to get one more chance to fulfill our dream of adding to our family. Time is ticking by and our chances get slimmer with each passing month. But somehow, love is filling the cracks.
I have a sweet little boy CJ's age spending some time with me during the week. Today was day one of having his sweet energy in the house. He brought such joy to my heart.
The cracks left by friends that have vanished have been filled by people OK with things being a little messy for me right now. Old, dear friends and crazy new ones fill my days with encouragement.
My calendar is filling up with appointments as I finally take the plunge to go out on my own. Contributing to the household brings me joy and pride.
I'm going to allow myself to let go of some of this anger. The fear of tears no longer terrifies me. I have my support system to pick me back up. God has better plans for me than to leave me wallowing in this ugly place.
Thank you to everyone who continues to pray for us. Your prayers are moving mountains. One day at a time, I will #doitforcj
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