There had been a feeling of heaviness all day in my heart. Seeing one of our daughters post about missing her brother sealed my fate. I'm awake at 2am a mascara streaked mess after finally falling apart for awhile.
What a horrible reality I juggle... Balancing my own grief with helping our daughters and trying to set an example. Tears are always OK, but we have to keep functioning. If I allow everyone to fall apart, I may never be able to put the pieces back together. I fully understand my limits. Faith and my true beliefs in the joys of life are the glue that hold it all together. Unfortunately days like today that glue has the strength of used chewing gum. Sticky yet pliable. Not strong enough for big jobs. Tending to teenager/young adult hearts is a BIG job.
No school today. This happens to fall on CJ's 14 month anniversary. I don't think we will ever be able to get through the 13th the same for as long as we live. There will be short fuses, unexpected hugs, tears, laughter. We pretty much run through every human emotion every 13th.
So if you wonder if things are "easier" with time, they aren't. They are simply different. We have become artists with hiding and masking our emotions. Very rarely does anyone outside of our walls reach out to us on the 13th anymore. That makes our grief terribly isolating. A visit to the cemetery to clear leaves and wipe off new paw prints from the resident raccoon with leave us emotionally wiped out. We will pretend with even eachother that we are OK. It's a farce. Our hearts are screaming for someone to remember. To hear his name said, or even see it in print. Those desires strengthen with time as we desperately hold on to such a sweet memory. Our sweet boy CJ.
CJ, please be a good boy and send us a sign today. We will be thinking of you every second.
#doitforcj
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