Faking it

I wake up every morning and he's the first thing I think of.  Every single morning.  Some days it's as if I am midnightmare-tears running down my cheeks and not sure if the dream. or reality is worse.  I wash my face and pull it together before heading down for coffee.

I fake my way through good morning greetings. Quietly I look at my day and pray that anything on the calender can be skipped.  While I desperately miss social outings, they are more exhausting than fun now.  If CJ was just acknowledged, I could wipe a few tears then move on.  But his name is rarely said without my propting by anyone outside of our walls.  So I fake it. A bit of sarcasm goes a long way in distracting people from the pain in your eyes.  Whatever it take, yet all my souls screams for is to simply hear his name. 

Dinner chaos usually involves various extra bodies swarming around a pot of something soul nurturing.  They laugh, tease, and call me mom. I smile and fake a carefree existence.  They couldn't possibly understand my haunts.

And eventually, after faking it all day long my exhausted body falls into bed with my mind speed racing through every emotion I felt all day but suppressed.   Faking it no longer works.  For hours I sob into my pillow or lock myself in the bathroom.  Sitting on the front steps at 3am in my pjs is completely normal.

Nobody has asked me why I'm crying in almost 11 months.  Considering the bags under my eyes and the lack of eyelashes, that's quite a lot of crying. 

A year is quickly approaching.  It hurts horribly.  Faking it is getting to be too exhausting.  So expect lots of tears over the next few weeks.  Hang in there while I relive those last few days I felt those tender kicks.  Allow me the gift of hearing you speak my son's name.  And I'll do my best to keep faking it until it comes naturally. But for now, I need to find a box of tissues as tonight's evening addition of my waterworks is already catching up with me...  praying for sweet dreams! 

#doitforcj