Today was one of those hard ones. A test in letting go (as if I really need more experience with THAT one!!). I loaded up CJ's crib and dropped it off to be made into a different piece of furniture for our home. I managed to make it all of the way home before tears just couldn't be held back.
I really believe in sharing my journey, so I posted about it. And as always, the support warmed my heart! But 2 messages had me pondering assumptions. So while I know in my heart I owe no explanations on how and what I do to heal, I want to set the record straight.
Repurposing CJ's crib was not a declaration that there will never be another baby in our home. It's significance is really simple- a crib set up in our home is difficult for all of us, but packing it away is even harder. I spent a lot of time thinking/praying on what to do. My heart told me what I already knew. No baby could ever replace our sweet Christian. And no baby should ever be in his shadow. We should all live in his light. In my heart I know I could never put my own child or even future grandchild in his crib without it be horribly painful. My decision was very easy- just as I would do with any piece of furniture I love, it needs a new purpose. I will share pictures when it is returned.
Living under a magnifying glass tends to walk hand in hand with losing a child. With an abundance of support comes a few preying eyes. Please do not assume that any part of my family's journey is over. We waited many years to be blessed with CJ and we simply are open to whatever possibilities happen for us. I am searching for ways to keep him not only in our hearts, but part of our every day lives. A dream was not traded in today. Simply a crib.
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