As CJ's 1 year angelversary starts to get close, I'm finding myself battling an entirely new wave of grief. I won't pretend that this pain has eased, but with time it has become less stabbing for most of the day. Every day is a crap shot. My trusty sunglasses are always on top of my head just in case tears are triggered. I am a master of escape-quietly finding an exit until I can pull myself together.
But with a date looming in the air, I find myself being caught off guard more and more. As the months have dragged by my support system has gotten on with their lives. Nobody can blame them. The expectation that I would do the same seems to be contagious. CJ is mentioned less with every visit. Phrases like "moving on" or "getting over it" are casually bounced around me- never said out of malice, but as a way for people to nudge me to make things more comfortable for them.
With all of this pressure for me to act "normal", feeling a new wave of sadness, regrets, and loss is overwhelming. More than ever the desire to hide my true feelings has me plastering the pleasant smile I was taught as a child to wear. Smile, be pleasant, and make others around me impressed by my behavior. Lessons drilled into me as my mom would be pulling my hair into perfect piggytails before family gatherings. Some lessons are hard to unlearn.
So beware. There are those awkward tears and feelings that seem to make everyone uncomfortable looming behind my sunglasses. I'm juggling my desire to people please and being true to this journey. I'm sure both will surface in no particular order.
Maybe my honesty will inspire you to call that person you know who has struggles. Be kind by allowing them to act however they need to at that moment. Find your inner middleschool self. Remember that hot mess? What we did best at that age was feel everything emotionally and react with unsensored honesty. How incredible would it be to bless a grown adult with the opportunity to just release all of those emotions? Bring tissues ;)
#doitforcj
No comments:
Post a Comment