We try not to verbalize too much on a hard day. Words bring sobs. When you have survived a nightmare, keeping it together becomes priority. It's a survival tactic. Tears will inevitably fall but the goal is to continue functioning.
So today we did what comes naturally. We ran. Out of the house full of memories to a flooring place (which we couldn't even fathom affording right now). An unsuspecting salesman was put through the ringer with hypothetical questions as the poor kid jumped through hoops in hopes of a nice commission. Then eventually my husband went to work early and I came home to fall apart.
A simple Facebook update on his part tells me he is struggling as much as I am today. It sucks. It hurts. But somehow we will plow through the day and end up exhausted cuddled up in bed together later. He will snore as I once again sob.
How do we keep going? I have no idea. I could share thoughts on hope, peace, and love, but today I just don't have it in me. This journey is not fair. There is no right/wrong way to get through it.
So maybe tonight I will have sweeter words and descriptions of dreams to share. For now, I'm going to spend some time with my son in his room. Rocking in his rocking chair, looking at his crib, and praying for the strength to take my next breath. Then I will pull it together and head out for a high school basketball game and typical after school chaos. One crappy sunglassed moment at a time.
#doitforcj
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