"let's win this for Mother Russia!"

The last 2 days I have struggled. A combination of cabin fever and the reality of ordering CJ's headstone have taken a toll.

Last night the girls and I made a big treat of bacon cheeses fries for dinner and snuggled up in the family room to watch the opening ceremonies to the Olympics.  This pretty much turned into us critiquing each county's outfits.

We were all tired. It had been a long week and that night alone we didn't get home until almost 8 from a basketball game.  Just when they were starting to doze in front of the tv, our 14 year old puts her fists in the air and yells in her best thick Russian accent "we will win this for Mother Russia!".

Insane giggling followed.  Tension release for all of our heavy hearts and minds. 

That's how life is for us now. We push through to the point of exhaustion. It's like getting through what used to be a typically busy day, but now you do it wearing cement weights around your ankles that nobody acknowledges. They rub your skin in raw and are visible to the world, but nobody comments.  They look past you when making idle chit chat and never mention it.  Then eventually one of us can't take the painful silence anymore and losses it for just long enough to make us all realize the joy in life.  Only those living with the same burden can understand the effort it takes to allow joy in while being so weighted down.

JOY.  yes, joy.  It's still there, hiding but waiting for those brief moments of silliness.  They surface more some days than others. 

So try to not look so confused when you see us in hysterical giggles over something ridiculous. Yes, we are in pain.  A huge part of our life right now is surviving.  We miss CJ in everything we do. At games, I picture him with me in his car seat. Walking through the parking lot,  I thought about the balancing act of not slipping on the ice while holding him. Home in front of the Olympics, he should have been snuggled in our arms. The busier I am, the more I feel his absence.

A bit off topic here, but at yesterday's game the opposing team gave out thier "Best Fan"award at half time.  A teenage boy with Downs was honored. The team took a group picture with him after high 5s and hugs all around.  The weight I carry doubled as I watched.

Today we have a team lunch, dance lessons, and typical Saturday errands.  I have my weights on.  If you bump in to me, please don't hesitate to let me rest and laugh for a moment or two!

here we go, CJ.  Another day without you. I will get through because I promise to #doitforcj .