Some days I realize how raw and maybe even angry my posts must seem. Oh, anger... Why are you always my fall back emotion when life gets to be too much?
Good Friday is here. No matter how desperately I try not to place importance or merit on any day involving a section at Hallmark, some are just unavoidable. Easter. From the time we were married, it hold such a special place in my heart. I'm going to give in to my stubborn streak and share the story of where our faith journey began many years ago.
I love to tease, but the history behind Nate and I is one of those crazy love stories that statistically never should have happened. From the first night we met, to a few months later when he proposed over a brownie sundae at Chili's (yep- seriously lol). There is a mile long list of differences between my city boy from a single mom vs my suburban 2 parents/sister/dog upbringing. Faith was our common link. While I have shared my Catholic roots, his spiritual upbringing was a bit more complex. Baptized Catholic as a baby, rebaptized Mormon as a child (Catholics just consider that one a splash in a pool), and really not brought up in any church. He was longing for it, and I was in need of a good reminder of how rich and beautiful my church and faith really are.
To my complete amazement, he initiated attending RCIA (Right of Christian Initiation) just a few months after we were married. I was pregnant the second after we said "I do", but very excited to sponsor him through the process of receiving the Catholic sacraments. After a few months of classes, we spoke with our pastor and decided to baptize our newborn daughter at Easter Vigil. The same mass Nate (along with about 20 others) would receive any sacraments they were missing including baptism, 1st communion, and confirmation. It's a night I will never forget. As the sun set, Father began mass and we all processed into the church. About 30 family members joined us in celebration (some in more support than celebration...). We decided the symbolism of having our daughter submerged was too beautiful to pass up. So I handed my sweet baby girl over to our priest standing in the baptismal font naked as the day she was born. He held her high in the air with her huge almond eyes examining the crowd and oblivious of what was about to happen. Then with the words given to us by Christ, our sweet girl took a quick half dunk and came out screaming! Comically, someone had forgot to turn the heater on the font that morning so the water was as cold as can be! Father carefully managed to dunk just enough. Her screams brought smiles and laughter throughout the congregation. It was the smile of a new life being born. She was saved. To witness something so beautiful was breathtaking. She was quickly swept away into a back room, warm towels and snuggles, and finally dressed in the same gown as her mommy, godmother, and older sister were baptized in before rejoining the mass. Then moments later to stand with my hand on my husband's shoulder as his sponsor as he proclaimed his belief in the Catholic Church, and side by side receive communion for the first time was humbling. A path was set. We were burning with God's fire for life!
Through the years, I can't even begin to account for all of the ministries we have been involved within the church. Each brought new friends, learning experiences, and an example I am proud to have set for our daughters. Standing shoulder to shoulder at mass on Sunday is an easy decision. Even when it hurts more than life itself, but that's a topic for another day.
Today I was feeling very lost. Some days seeing everyone's professional pictures and momentos in a few baby loss support groups I have joined are so hard for me. The hat and blankets CJ was wearing never made it back to us. We sent other clothes over to the funeral home for him to be buried in. I've never questioned when/where that blanket and hat went. I try not to think about it, but not having those items hurt. And professional photos did not happen for a laundry list of excuses. (THAT I am rectifying so no other mommy will ever go without a free professional sitting). But not having anything that he touched was really painful today. Then it hit me and I ran to our closet- it was there! The gown! With everything going on the day we were told we lost CJ, I managed to grab the shoebox containing the gown and took it with us to the hospital. Our priest baptized CJ just moments after I delivered him and we were able to drape the gown over him. I immediately held it to my nose and closed me eyes. Unfortunately, nothing. But sitting there with the 40 year old lace in my hands, I was holding something my son was wrapped in! It was magic for just a moment. I was reminded he was saved just like his sisters. Just like his parents. We are promised an eternity forever together. That gown reminded me in that quick instant that our path was still on fire. We will be ok.
Bless you all this Easter weekend. May your soul be set ablaze with the divine gift of forever!!!
love to you all! and don't forget to #doitforcj!
Jen
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