I openly and honestly share my journey on this page. If you are trying to read between the lines, I'm sure you will find a place to slip yourself into my story. Slip in somewhere positive, and leave your ego at the door with me. Let's lift each other up in understanding acceptance. I appreciate the shares in the hopes of reaching other moms who think they are alone in this BULLSHIT journey. #doitforcj
It always cracks me up when my kids find the humor in my insanity. Let's face it, when you have gone through the ultimate emotional experience as a family, boundaries are loosened. Language changed within our family unit. While I wish I could say the sole product of this journey is that we are closer to our Christian roots and discussion revolve around spiritually enlightened topics, the raw reality is we have become a bunch of potty mouthed teenagers. Considering the 2 kids living at home are 15 and 13, nobody needs to be dialing any 800 number!
Bullshit. The first word that has become common in our vocabulary. Let's face it- carrying a baby almost to term and then having to bury him is complete BULLSHIT. There are very few other words that could convey the obscene nature of such an event. Hence, bullshit when being used to describe our situation is allowed. bullshit bullshit bullshit. (if you are offended, time to click to another mommy loss blog full of rainbows and butterflies...)
Next topic that is darkly funny to us is medication. "mom, did you take your pills?" or "someone needs a Xanax" are often casually flung around playfully. My kids rattle off the names of antidepressants and anxiety meds like they are naming candybars. They understand they were my lifeline. They kept mom from leaving this earth during the hardest time of my life. And eventually I needed them less and less. I attribute this greatly to this crazy support system I have at home pushing me forward. Never discount the power of teenage love. The purity and sincerity of my daughters has saved OUR lives. Let's not forget my husband lost a son, too.
Being very outspoken about our feeling and how we are treated by others has also become common. Growing up in a typical Polish Catholic middle class family, you kept the peace. I am completely over it. If someone is going to obnoxiously rsvp for my son's funeral like it was a dinner party, or make announcements that felt cruel and ill timed, I now speak up. I spent the first several years of my marriage being an absolute doormat to a few new people in our life. I spent my twenties a young mom/wife dealing with crap like a child calling me "1-800 Jenny Craig" to her mother's amusement while she also showed her objection to my very presence. Come charging at me now, and I promise you I will defend what is MINE with every inch of my being.
Last but not least, pass the wine! I have no problem admitting, discussing, or sharing the fact that I enjoy a glass of wine a few evenings a week. The first few weeks after our sweet CJ was gone, I wouldn't touch it. In my mind, I was still taking care of my body as if I were carrying him. Even coffee was taboo. We all know how quickly that changed considering I'm sitting in a Starbucks connected to their wifi typing this! Despite past comments of a few inlaws, my only problem is that I have champagne taste and a beer budget! Yesterday my husband casually asked me with a giggle in his tone why there was half a bottle of wine in our bedroom. Without missing a beat I JOKINGLY replied because my mother in law was on the couch the past few nights. I fell into his arms and we shared a great laugh. It had actually been brought up there over a week ago when we had teenagers watching a movie I had no interest in and vacation packing to tackle. Anyway, his reminding me of the bottle prompted me to finally bring it down to the kitchen. In route, our youngest daughter stopped me, looked at the bottle, and asked "did you atleast use a glass?" <insert hysterical laughter>.
You see, what we have been through is complete crap. Correction- complete BULLSHIT! But as we figure out how to take each and every subsequent breathe, life is coming into such clearer focus. Mild profanity, dark humor regarding prescription meds or alcohol, or even a snarky attitude are just ways we cope. The tears flow often, silence behind our eyes tells more than we care to share. Our journey as followers of Christ continues, just off the paved path.
Tonight after I kill some time being cool in a coffee shop, I will pick up a gaggle of teens currently watching friends in a school musical, return home to finish that bottle of wine and wait for my absolute best friend to come home from work and snuggle with me in front of the tv. Who knows if we will exchange snarky comments or quiet looks, but our hearts know what we are both carrying. Hopefully we can put that load down for a few moments together.
Tomorrow, we will do it all over again. we WILL #doitforcj
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