Rainy nights ...

As the rain pours down tonight, I am haunted.  Haunted by the "should be" thoughts that meander through my mind on nights like these.

I should be pacing outside of the nursery room door hoping the thunder doesn't wake my sleeping son.  He should be here in footie pjs wrapped in a blanket well washed from swaddling his sisters.  His sisters should have shut their doors in the hopes of not hearing him crying from the thunder startling him.

How do we move on from those thoughts?  I collapsed in my husbands arms for a brief moment this evening praying outloud for just a few precious moments of amnesia.  Just long enough for me to exhale fully and regain enough strength to take the next breathe. I beg to God often for just a brief moment to forget.  This weight that pins me in place is exhausting. 

Tonight, CJ and I are listening to the storm together.  We are missing out on easy sleep and peaceful dreams.  His physical absence doesn't erase his footprint on my heart.  On several occasions, I have awaken in pure excitement after feeling "phantom kicks".  Then reality sets in that my sweet boy is gone and I crumble.  I feel him with me so strongly some nights.  Lying awake the weight of his body lying on my chest comforts me.  My arms ache.  They physically ache to hold my sweet little bundle just one more time.  I have contemplated ordering a teddybear made to his birth weight, but I fear I'll never put it down. 

When you hear the rain against the windows, remember those mommies who have buried their babies.  Pray for us as we desperately try not to think about our child in their grave.  But most of all, be patient with me.  My heart has yet to come to terms with my reality.   Nights like tonight bring it all flooding back. Hopefully tomorrow through the predicted storms I can find a few moments of calm to let hope seep back up through the cracks.  Heaven knows those cracks are big enough...

#doitforcj