Walking through Target today an interesting conversation occurred. I allowed myself to wander through the baby boy clothes and picked up a darling denim jacket. I caught myself saying outloud "this would be too stinking cute on you" and looked towards my cart half expecting it to be topped with an infant seat.
It's a tricky relationship being a mom to an angel. For the sake of my sanity, I need to nurture my relationship with CJ. My soul screams to mother him, my arms ache to hold him, and my mind is constantly trying to make sense of his absence. I spend my days with a constant dialog churning in my heart. I am an unbalanced mix of feeling comforted and haunted.
I tell him the simple things. What I need to accomplish that particular day, how much I miss him, and with every breathe I take I wish I could skip the next to be with him.
There is a fine line between depression and sadness. And yet another between suicidal and heartbroken. My desire to live a nice long life has been diminished, but that does not mean I would take my own life.
Standing in the cemetery yesterday I watched a funeral procession drive by. You can always tell when it is an elderly person being buried. While somber, the mourners are typically calm and at peace. When it is a child, the pain is palpable. The parents cry with the same force needed to dig the small grave into the frozen ground. I flashback to sitting in front of that small grave. The feelings of complete disbelief. Not knowing where my path was about to lead.
I'm still stumbling. The path is hard to see and confusing. But today I'm still standing. I may standing in the middle of Target talking to myself, but i'm still standing....
#doitforcj
I did this e.x.a.c.t. same thing with my daughter the other day!
ReplyDeleteI saw this adorable pink outfit and said "You would look sooo beautiful in that" out loud.
And I still write to her, sing to her, talk to her everyday.
Death can't take that relationship away.