He has risen, indeed!!

"He has risen indeed! hallelujah! hallelujah!" 

 

 

I look forward to participating in this exuberant response at Easter Sunday mass.  The holiest day of the year always lifts my soul to new levels.  This year as you can imagine, I was hesitant. God knew it because holy cow did he ever derail my plans!

 

Like so many other parishes, on holidays our masses are busting at the seams.  We left early, but not nearly early enough to get a seat in our church without searching.  So we decided to go to our church hall where an overflow mass was to be said.  I was a bit bummed.  Our pastor (Fr David who said CJ's mass) always says mass in the church.  But as we walked to the other side of the building, a feeling of relief washed over me thinking maybe I could just be another member of the congregation today- not a grieving mother.  Who on earth would recognize us in the over flow mass?

 

When we entered the hall, song sheets were being passed out by an adorable young boy with Down Syndrome.  My heart raced a bit.  We entered the space to find it nearly empty.  Seats in the 3rd row were easily grabbed and we casually watched the congregation gathering.  The overflow mass is usually a quicker mass (small musical groups, less formal) but what was unfolding before us was very unexpected.  A few families with special needs children began filing into the front seats.  One little girl in a beautiful white dress with Down Syndrome particularly caught my eye.  After several minutes of locking my glance to her, I finally started to listen to what was happening.  The overflow mass was being said in honor of the special needs families of our parish, AND 3 children were going to receive their 1st Holy Communion during the mass.  Families with children were funneling in at the last moments, teens were the musicians, and our Pastor had appeared to say mass.

 

I won't deny the tears.  During several moments, I simply couldn't help it.  During his homily, Father invited all of the children to come sit up front with him.  His patience with all of the beautiful children- some special needs, others not- was such a gift to witness.  He told them about our Pope and the beautiful acts of love that follow him wherever he goes.  Then he went on to explain to them in terms they could understand how last year, a parent passed his young boy with CP through the crowd into the Pope's loving arms.  The picture of them embracing was initially iconic, but now a common occurrence with Pope Francis. His message of love permeates all he does.  The kids eyes were glued as Father handed out a prayer card to each child with the picture.  I was a snotty, crying mess in the 3rd row by this time.  Luckily the moans, laughter, demands, and rejoicing of so many special children was my camouflage.  But Father knew and made eye contact with me several times as he spoke.  After mass, we wished Father a Happy Easter.  He leaned over to kiss my cheek and whispered "welcome home".  He was right- I have been coming to mass, but this was the first time I let my heart be at home.

 

And in that moment of what seemed like such pain,  so much weight was lifted,  My son was in God's glory and today was the day to embrace it.  Not a time of deep sorrow as I had feared.  My tears were healing.  They were the gift of a release in my Savior's house.  My church began to feel like the home it had for so many years.  CJ was sitting in that mob of cute kids listening to the words with me.  He will always be with me in spirit until I get to join him in salvation.

 

After mass we made a quick stop at the cemetery.  We took turns taking pictures with CJ, wiped a few tears, but left with happy hearts.

 

Then typical chaos broke out when we got home.  Nate ran to the store for a few things I had forgotten with 1 kid, the other took a foster pup hanging out with us for a quick walk while our own 2 were pushed out the back door so not to be underfoot while I scurried to get a nice lunch on before Nate left for work.   My mind was swirling with the extra money I had spent on simple Easter baskets and groceries.  The stress of money always swirls with me STILL unemployed.  Then I noticed my phone flashing.

 

I poured a glass of wine and went to quickly respond to Easter text messages,  What I found was a note from a very generous friend taking a very large weight off of our shoulders.  A gift so generous and kind I am still without the proper words to properly thank her.  I looked up at my blessings swirling around in preparation for our small celebration, and my heart was instantly lighter.

 

We sat down to a traditional Polish lunch of barszcz, sausage, potatoes with bacon and onions, and rye bread.  Wine and beer, and a beautiful array of desserts rounded it out.  2 kiddos home plus Kate's bf joined us.  It was a delicious meal and I delighted in watched them dive in for multiple helpings.  We laughed, told stories of past Easters, and enjoyed making our own traditions and memories.  

 

So today, a day that I was completely convinced would be one of pain and grief, was a day filled with love, healing, and most of all HOPE.  Some days when your wallet is empty,  your children aren't under the same roof, and tomorrow is full of lingering obstacles, hope is a difficult thing to hold on to. I was reminded of the incredible love and hope that is wished upon us every single day.  I promise every one of you, I will try harder to stay open to it.

 

Happy Easter!!  My son is with our Savior!  There is no other place besides my own arms I would ever want for him.

 

He HAS risen, indeed!  hallelujah! hallelujah!

 

#doitforcj