1 yr....

My heart is screaming.  I just dropped Nate of at work,  something we do often to spend time together.   Driving up to the hospital triggered every horrific feeling we had just one year ago today.

I never wanted to remember what it felt like to have a dead baby inside of me, the looks on everyone's faces as we walked into the lobby, or even the emotions as we entered the elevator.

My poor husband.   Please pray for him.   How he is spending his evening within those walls is a complete act of selflessness and love for his family.   My chest hurt just being in the parking lot.  Tomorrow he was able to take off to be with us.   Tonight will be hell for him.

I drove straight to CJ.  I am once again the crazy mom wrapped in a blanket in a lawn chair at my son's grave.   Writing this is keeping me from falling too deeply into hysterics.   I don't even have the strength to wipe the berries off of his beautiful new stone that fell from the overhanging tree branches.   I just want to sit here and figure out how the hell do I ever survive something like this.

Crazy thoughts cross your mind in times of extremes.  Knowing he is only a few feet below me... It would be so easy to dig into the earth towards him.   Or to simply swallow a bottle of pills and drift off to sleep here in my chair.  I could be with him in just a few minutes.   Crazy extremes that cross my mind that luckily common sense can still put into perspective.  I can't love him selfishly.   He was given to us an addition to our family, not to be singled out.  

It is unseasonably cool today.   The breeze is giving me goosebumps.   Sleep deprivationis taking a toll.  After some time,  I will kiss the sacred ground goodbye like I always do.  The berries with be brushed away and flowers repositioned just right.  And finally I will leave my son here.

This is such bullshit.