A bit ago the clocked ticked past midnight. I'm still breathing somehow. 1 year ago today, my son died. OUR son died. Our son, brother, grandson, nephew... Our missing piece. A dream we gave up on that came to us with crazy earthly timing filling our lives with magic and promise.
For 8 months we shared a body. His, seemingly perfect in every way. Mine, struggling with an abundance of medical attention bringing me false peace of mind. We were together every moment of every day. Growing and learning each moment about each other. I marveled at the opportunity to watch my expanding belly block the view of my feet. Swollen ankles, heart burn, headaches... just minor nuisances. I was simply happy and head over heels in love with my son.
Today is Christian's "angelversary". The day his sweet little soul left this earth. People in baby loss communities often post about when they were told their was no heartbeat. We were never told the words. We stared at an ultrasound screen and listened to a doctor babble on about fluid around his heart. I knew. I understood. My husband did not. I had to be the one to say the words to him.
And then we began to fall. The despair and pain we were about to hurdle together is nothing I could ever really put to words. We made poor decision- calling the wrong friends for support, rushing over to the hospital, and forcing our families to drive across states to be with us in a panic while we rushed. We didn't know... no parent should ever have to know the things we have learned.
Today isn't his birthday. Tomorrow at 5:30am will mark that moment.
Today is the day he died.
My son died.
Please love us through this.
#doitforcj
Love you <3
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