So by now you would think I would have learned not to expect others to act the way we would like them to. Often during our journey I'm surprised to see how the very people who love us make choices that are so incredibly hurtful. Case in point... new babies.
We can't resist them. Never have been able to, never will. We are the aunt/uncle that finds such beauty in every little face. A sweet bundle in our arms is hard to pass on to the next awaiting arms. Those who include us in thier lives are guaranteed years of spoiling and love.
To find ourselves the outcasts of the newest family addition breaks our hearts. First, a poorly timed pregnancy announcement of an unmarried couple was hard to swallow. We were just a few months past loosing CJ when it was announced at a Christmas dinner we were hosting. I couldn't understand why this couldn't be shared with us at another time (not the first Christmas without my son and 20 sets of eyes on me) We had graciously opened our home during the hardest holiday of our lives thinking we would be surrounded by support. CJ was not acknowledged by anyone, yet we share gifts in his memory. It stung. I vowed to put us first for awhile after feeling completely trampled.
You can only imagine my surprise when I decided I was ready to see pictures of our newest nephew born last month and took to Facebook. When I couldn't find the "friend", I had my daughter check from a different account. My husband and I have been blocked. Not simply unfriended, blocked. Please feel free to giggle childishly with me.
Normally I would quietly sweep such behavior under the rug. It's unfortunately common for this corner of the family. Obviously one fb block would not push me to such extremes- it's simply the icing on the cake. Instead I'm standing up for MY family. The 6 beautiful souls that dwell in my home. We deserve to be loved unconditionally. We deserve to have our feeling respected. We deserve time to mourn our son/brother for as long as we need without the burden of foolish drama swirling around us. We deserve love.
My greatest lessons are often what NOT to do. Allowing hurtful behavior, keeping silent, and loving those who do not love us in return.
I write this knowing it may be read by one or two that can piece identities together. I don't care. I am free. Free from hosting holidays after years of being taken advantage of. Free from guilt over time spent between families. Free to make decisions this upcoming holiday season that bring us joy. There are so many family members that deserve our time and attention who have cried with us, defended us, and simply loved us. I'm giving myself permission to no longer worry about splitting time equally.
Our circle has multiplied exponentially this past years with people who love us for who we are. Family is not always blood. So many family members have loved us through. It's a shame that a tiny few continue to cause so much pain.
#doitforcj
<3
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