I started in the parenting section. That is what I'm doing, right? Trying to figure out how to parent an angel? I found books on single parenting, parenting a child with ADHD/diabetes/multiples/strong will... Nothing for us angel moms.
After walking around awhile I had to surrender myself to one of those polo clad practically teenage store clerks. At first I quietly inquired looking for books on grief. "sure! We have a bunch!" he replied with a bit more enthusiasm than I was in the mood for. I followed him the best I could as he walked at a cheetah's pace through the store. He proudly pointed on a 2 foot section on the bottom rack. I thanked him and to my relief he left me to sift through myself.
Now this is the biggest book store chain you can think of. I had to get on my knees to check out the bottom rack. What I found was ONE book on loosing a baby- a 100 page manual to surviving the first few months. I thumbed through it to see a chapter on what to expect in the hospital. "Who on earth runs to the book store to pick this up before heading to the hospital?" I thought and felt myself growing cynical by the moment. I was saddened to see that this little paperback was the only book on the shelf about loosing a baby. There were a few about loosing a child and even more about loosing a parent or spouse. But a baby seemed to once again be a hushed topic.
But what was I really looking for? Hope. Most days I'm pretty proud of myself for just getting out of bed every day. God has truly led me to feel His gifts differently for the first time in my life. Hope, grace, love, peace. All have changed meaning in my heart over this past year. I realize that a perfect life was not what I was thriving for to feel happiness. Yet even when I am able to put my burdens down and find a bit of peace in the quiet, hope is still my biggest struggle.
What do I hope for? That may sound silly, but I am stuck in such a middle season of my life. What do I hope for? That was the answer I was looking to find on paper. Do I hope for the grace to allow myself to continue speaking in CJ's name to the medical community? Or maybe for the peace to allow my heart to embrace the eternal love my son is basking in without pain or sadness? But what my heart really is unable to get a grasp on is what to hope for.
It's easy to simply say I hope for a content life full of happiness. Years of love and laughter with our daughters, family and friends. But dare I hope for even more for myself? I'm talking about selfish, honest, pure, and open hearted hope that really allows the desires I may not share with anyone else. That's the answers I'm really looking for!
Today is already tense around here. Any time I show any more emotions than just simple niceness it tends to make everyone on edge. My guess is they are waiting to see what hysterics I will be pulling out of my pocket today! Plus being married to the baby in the family who after almost 20 years together still can not find the words "I'm sorry" in his vocabulary (despite typically being the crazy level headed one in the relationship) ,who not surprisingly took his coffee and walked off with crappy comments to our bedroom when I wasn't in a rainbows shooting out of my ass mood this morning, and will probably stay there egging on a nonexistent argument for hours. I'm going to leave him there for awhile and allow myself the luxury of sipping my coffee and really thinking about what I hope for myself.
Wishing you all a day of the type of self discovery no book can ever bring!
#doitforcj
No comments:
Post a Comment