I was on the phone with a family member yesterday. She asked me why one of our girls seemed overly quiet at a recent family event. Annoyed, I answered that she was sad. She has every right to be sad and have a crappy day. We have CJ's 1st birthday looming and we are all hurting.
I thought I was opening up a conversation about my son. A conversation I so desperately need to have as often as possible. Instead, I was quickly shot down. "I try not to think about it. I don't want to think about it" she replied and changed the subject.
Today tears keep sneaking up on me, but harder than anything is not having family I can call crying and simply talk about CJ. As time has ticked by, I have oddly taken on the job of reassuring everyone around us that we are ok. Rumors and worries about us are spoken to others, but rarely said directly to me. I have such a hard time understanding when I'm told that people talk about us because they love us so much. Grief is the most isolating, lonely place to dwell.
During his homily at CJ's funeral, Father David spoke about helping us through losing our son. He spoke about how the typical response is to tell the grieving family "call if you need anything". He paused for a moment, then yelled out "they need you! ".
One year doesn't mean that we are over it. Our pain is magnified as we relive the last few days before or life was ripped apart. Do not mistake living, laughing, and loving eachother as a replacement for our missing family member.
If my sweet boy teaches you anything, I hope it's to love a grieving family long past the funeral. Gently push past the strong facade and be the shoulder they need. There is great comfort in remembering even through the tears. Trust me, "they need you! ".
Humbly asking for your prayers.... jen
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