Anniversary dates are hard. At first I counted days. Eventually the days turned into weeks. At 2 wks the day he was to be induced. 4 more wks and his 40wk due date. Then months start to pass. months...
Today I had to literally count it out on my fingers. 5 months? That's an entire hand full of fingers. How can so much time have passed that I have to count it out and double check?
I am so thankful for the time. At first, those days were horrific. They represented time lost to me. Every day that passed was another day without CJ in my arms.
But as time has passed, I've become grateful for the lessening of the dagger like pain that followered me every second of every day in the beginning. Time does heal. I didn't want to hear that a few months ago, but it has proven to be a gift.
I stopped by the cemetery today. I stood at his grave. While other angel moms use words like resting place, eternal nursery, or heavenly bed, I prefer to call it what it is. His grave. It's harsh and unfair. Some days his presence fills me with such overwhelming emotion. Today was a quick visit full of that "what the hell am I doing here" feeling. Time doesn't bring understand. It doesn't make any of this fair.
Happy 5 month angelversary sweet CJ. Soar with the angels. Tomorrow I'll try again to have a more hopeful heart. Today is difficult, so mommy is cutting herself some slack. But tomorrow, I'll #doitforcj
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