I've been at home the past 2 days with a fever. Sitting still is not easy for me. Depression usually rears it's ugly head as I have time to just think.
While I was at 104 last night, I had conversations with Nate that I don't remember. I wish I could say the same about my dreams. I very clearly remember thinking it was those first days home from the hospital when the fevers had me miserable for weeks.
So I guess today is a good time to answer "what happened?".
We don't know completely. I was being followed by high risk because of medical issues with me. Every ultrasound came back that he was fine. The last one (before the horrific one) we actually have a pictures of him giving us a thumbs up. He was fine. All the attention was on my health. He was fine...
We refused an autopsy. I think every parent can understand why. They were able to get a decent DNA sample from the placenta. We know from the final ultrasound that he had fluid around his heart. The DNA told us our angel had Down Syndrome.
I have been assured over and over that my treatment plan would not have changed if they knew. That I was already having biweekly ultrasounds and weekly appointments. That is hard on a grieving mom's heart to accept.
So antidepressants are still my daily ritual. They don't take the pain away, but they let me cope. And prayer. Sometimes angry whythehellwouldyoudothistome prayer, other days pleasesaveme. I can't completely wrap my mind around it all yet. Maybe I don't need to?? But what I do need to do is keep moving forward. And I will #doitforcj
Again I can relate, when I was in second trimester with Jordan we were sent for genetic testing because of worries due to my age and family history , we discussed the fact that our child could possibly have Downs and although we were scared of the challenges that would bring, we know what special people they are and would have loved him all the more...
ReplyDeleteMoving forward...this is how we survive...by moving forward.
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