Guilt sucks

So many days begin with "I was having a perfectly fine day, then...". Once again it would suit today's story perfectly.

Kids are home today for extreme weather. So in other words, when you are having anxiety issues this amounts to a day when you can breathe a bit easier.  Since we lost CJ, I worry quite a bit that we will loose one of our girls.  So a quiet morning at home with 2 of them here is perfectly fine with me.

Listening to the wind kept making me think of CJ's grave.  I was sure his wreath and decorations must be all over the cemetery.  This afternoon I decided to make a quick trip to check things out.

I was shocked when I got there to see the grave next to him had his stone set.  They were buried the same week.  And not just a modest stone, but an beautifully engraved bench with inscription space for 2.

I said a quick prayer, cleaned up his fallen decorations, and hurried back to my warm van. Then it hit me.  I sat there sobbing for almost an hour.  There was my son's grave unmarked.  His flower pot led me to the location in the snow.  It absolutely broke my heart, like I had once again failed him.

You see, nomatter why you lose a baby, I imagine you spend the rest of your life holding on to a tremendous amount of guilt.  I was the only one who felt his movements less frequently. I was the one who didn't argue with the doctors who said he was fine. I was his only voice on this earth, and I failed him.

This all came rushing back.  You can tell me it wasn't my fault.  My doctors have countless times.  But in the end, my son died on my watch.  That's how it feels.

His stone will get ordered soon.  We almost have the deposit thanks to so many incredible people who have donated to our gofundme page or sent donations to help.  How do we ever thank you all for being our angels?  I wonder if seeing it completed will bring me some peace or if the reality of seeing his death "set in stone"will just tear me apart again.  Probably a bit of each.

I guess I was due for a down day.  Luckily tomorrow starts another chance to feel some of that psychedelic hope that somehow usually bubbles up through the cracks.  Speaking of bubbles... Time to slip into my tub and soak away some stress.  I'll keep my eye open for that bit of hope :) I bet an angel may send me some! #doitforcj

(i've included the mock up of CJ's future headstone.  Please keep us in prayer that we can finish funding it! http://www.gofundme.com/667hjs